France passes new law making it mandatory for men to spend weekends with their mistresses

Following up on a law that bans employees from checking emails after work hours, France has passed another stunning piece of legislation that has made it mandatory for men to spend weekends and public holidays with their mistresses.

Explaining the rationale behind this law, Minister Thierry Braillard said –“Surveys show that men in France spend most of their already short 35-hour work weeks coming up with fake alibis to tell their wives. Now, they are protected by the law and can consider being actually productive at work for the first time”.

He also added that the rather large group of housewives who were seen protesting vociferously outside the French Parliament should have had the good sense to be the mistresses in the first place. “They only have themselves to blame”, he shrugged.

The biggest beneficiary of the new law is expected to be French President Francois Hollande, who was visibly elated  –“This gives me an opportunity to spend less time evading paparazzi by wearing elaborate disguises while visiting my mistress and spend more time running the country. Speaking of which, I hear something about Putin? What did the old rascal do now?”

Somewhat more inexplicable was the vocal support for the law from First Lady Valerie Trierweiler. In an interview to Le Monde, Miss Trerweiler said that she was “completely fine” with Mr.Hollande having multiple affairs or even a threesome with her best friend as long as she could remain the First Lady and keep the private jet.

The reaction from the French media has been uniformly negative so far. The editors at Closer Magazine summed up it well –“We were having so much fun playing hide and seek with the President as he went mistress hopping in his little bike. What are we supposed to do now? Talk about Crimea? Or earthquakes in Mexico?”

Sources reveal that the Cabinet is busy drafting other articles of legislation including one that forbids French troops from surrendering within the first 17 minutes of any military combat and another that explicitly prohibits the discussion of Angela Merkel in any kind of sexual context whatsoever.

“Hang me” if I am guilty claims Modi, before hiring Ajmal Kasab’s lawyer just to be safe

A defiant Narendra Modi today said in an interview that he should be hanged if he was found guilty in his handling of the 2002 Gujrat riots, before hiring Ajmal Kasab’s lawyer to play it safe.

Justifying his decision, Modi explained, “If this lawyer can keep a terrorist like Ajmal Kasab from being hung for almost 5 years given what he did brazenly in front of so many eye-witnesses, I am confident he can keep me alive till I am at least 150”.

His lawyer agreed, bragging “Mr.Modi is being very conservative. Its already been 12 years since Gujrat. And with the SIT report that has cleared him, I think I can I can keep him alive far longer than most Biblical characters”.

The lawyer also confirmed that he is extremely busy at the moment trying to keep his current client Yuvraj Singh from being hung for costing India the T20 World Cup.

Modi, who initially demanded that he be executed if there was even “an iota of evidence” found against him, quickly moved to revise it to “overwhelming evidence” after a member of his staff explained the meaning of the word iota to him.

Congress President Sonia Gandhi was understandably quick to jump on the opportunity to get rid of  her arch-rival. “If not for the 2002 riots, any sane person will agree that Modi deserves to be publicly hung just for his puppy analogy” she argued, before adding “And lets put a topi on him while we are doing it”.

Rahul Gandhi was not available for comment as he was busy investigating if Barista franchises across the country were indeed operating on the basis of a “coffee model”.

Indian Supreme Court recognizes Transgenders as ‘Third Gender’, continues to treat Gays as ‘Second Class’

The Indian Supreme Court today passed a landmark judgment that upheld the rights of transgenders by legally recognizing them as a “third gender” whilst doggedly persisting in treating homosexuals as “second class” citizens and criminals.

Citing the Constitution, the judges stated that discrimination against transgender individuals for being born that way was a human rights violation. In a stunning demonstration of cognitive dissonance, the Court then refused to apply the same logic to the gay and lesbian community and strike down Section 377, which leaves lingering questions about the Court’s overall sanity.

As per the ruling, transgenders in India now enjoy the same rights and privileges as their fellow citizens when it comes to jobs, voting, education, or hanging from the roofs and windows of public transport vehicles during peak hours.

Recognizing the controversy it is likely to create, Justice KS Radhakrishnan was quick to defend the Court’s decision: “Over the years, the Supreme Court has steadfastly defended the rights of religious fundamentalists who form the majority in this country to cling to their reactionary attitudes towards modern cultural progress. This ruling, which has the unfortunate potential to restore your faith in humanity and the justice system a little bit, should be strictly seen as an exception to the rule”.

“I would strongly urge other minorities including gays, lesbians, bisexuals and Muslims to not get carried away in the hope of a better tomorrow”, he warned.

Justice AK Sikhri also weighed in, assuring reporters at the Court, “We earnestly implore the citizenry to regard this decision as nothing more than an isolated act of conscience. We intend to revert to business as usual from tomorrow by re-instating N. Srinivasan as BCCI President with immediate effect”.

Study: Indian Electorate Virtually Indistinguishable from Commenters on Youtube Video ‘Gangnam Style’

The 850 million Indian voters participating in the current national elections are more or less indistinguishable from commenters on the viral video ‘Gangnam Style’, according to a new study that points to the remarkably similar psychological attributes of both sets of groups.

An in-depth analysis by researchers identified multiple common traits that dominate both populations – including rampant racism, homophobia, reactionary tendencies, distinct lack of information and attention spans – which flourish under the cover of anonymity, said Barath Shankar, one of the authors of the study.

“Think of it as a grand social experiment where the millions of people who left random, incoherent and often incomprehensible comments under the Youtube video are allowed to decide the outcome of the world’s largest democracy. What could possibly go wrong?” mused Barath Shankar, tongue in cheek.

The study convincingly proves that the average Indian voter, much like his Youtube counterpart, has very limited knowledge about world affairs or politics and tends to overvalue information that supports his pre-existing opinions while ignoring data that goes the other way. The endorsement of celebrities and movie stars (especially Rajnikanth) assumes disproportionate importance in this context.

‘Large segments of the population get their information right before elections from political ads and are therefore highly susceptible to misleading propaganda’ wrote NRI Praveen Chandrasekar on his blog. Praveen belongs to a subset of the hugely influential Indian population that contributes to over 4% of the country’s GDP through foreign remittances but is typically accused of arm-chair criticism by his fellow Indians on Facebook for not participating in the (largely meaningless) act of voting.

‘Indian elections are dominated by low information voters who tend to vote against their own interests, and occasionally those of their milkman’, argued Praveen. ‘I’d rather spend my time more meaningfully by watching over a dozen Youtube reviews of the latest Android smartphones before deciding to get an iPhone anyway’, he concluded.

Exxon Urgently Digging for Oil in Central African Republic to Create Business Case for Intervention

As you may have read in the papers, the situation in the Central African Republic is threatening to descend into total chaos. Mass slaughter and ethnic cleansing are likely if there is no international intervention. How will the US respond to this humanitarian crisis coming on the heels of the 20^th anniversary of the Rwandan genocide? This is how the conversation between key figures in the White House is likely to go-

People in the room: President Obama, Vice-President Joe Biden, Secretary of State John Kerry and Obama’s daughter Malia.

Obama: If that’s everything, I need to leave for Malia’s school play now.

Kerry: Mr. President, there is one more thing on the agenda.

Obama: What is it? I thought we covered everything.

Kerry: It’s the civil war in the Central African Republic.

Obama: Can’t it wait?

Kerry: I suppose. It’s not like a few more thousand dead due to sectarian violence in Africa is going to make much of a difference at this point.

Obama: Alright then. Have a good evening, gentlemen.

Kerry: I was kidding Sir.

Obama: So was I? Let’s talk about it then. Can one of you quickly fill me in?

Biden: That’s what she said!

[Biden gets a glare from the President and quietly sinks into his seat]

Malia: Let’s go daddy.

Obama: In a minute, sweetheart. Go on, John.

Kerry: Our diplomats tell me that we could be looking at another genocide like Rwanda here.

Malia: What’s a genocide?

Biden: Well, Malia. A genocide or a holocaust is when something really bad happens to Jewish people. And we can never have that again. Never. But this is OK since it is happening in Africa.

Kerry: That’s not true. It’s also OK when it’s happening in Burma or Syria or China or North Korea or Chechnya or….

Obama: Thank you, both. What happened in Rwanda 20 years ago was a terrible event like 9/11, Malia. We can’t have another Rwanda just like we can’t have another 9/11. Do you understand?

Kerry: (coughs) Ahem. Actually Mr. President, I would phrase it differently. We will do everything humanly possible to not have another 9/11.

Obama: And Rwanda?

Kerry: Well, it would be quite nice if we dint have another Rwanda. But it’s not up to us, really.

Biden: (at Kerry) Where is this country anyway?

Obama: Yeah, where could a country named the Central African Republic be located? Why don’t you look it up on Google Maps and stop interrupting us. John, what do you recommend? Deploy boots on the ground?

Kerry: Already done, Sir. We have over 500 fine folks from Exxon Mobil digging for oil in the country as we speak.

Obama: Oh. I meant troops.

Kerry: We can’t send troops till we find oil first. That’s a bedrock principle of our foreign policy.

Obama: Seriously?

Kerry: I don’t make the rules. Deploying troops is expensive. They are to be used only if we have strategic assets to acquire or protect. Like oil reserves, mineral deposits, shipping routes etc.

Obama: Fair enough. But don’t we have like 150,000 troops stationed around the world? Can’t we move some of them to this country?

Kerry: Not exactly. Those men only serve a symbolic purpose.  Show and intimidation.

Obama: But Putin just invaded Crimea!

Biden: And I bet he was really intimidated while doing it.

[Obama and Kerry glare at Biden]

Obama: Fine. We’ll just send in some drones then. Cheap and easy.

Kerry: I don’t know about that. It’s risky. We could end up killing lots of innocent civilians.

Biden: So what? It’s not like anybody here wants to win another Nobel Peace Prize or anything.

Obama: Can’t we re-classify the civilians posthumously as terrorists like we do in Pakistan and Yemen?

Kerry: Maybe. I am more concerned about the precedent it would set. We can’t have impoverished countries assuming that the US will intervene each time there is a genocide. It would be highly irresponsible on our part to encourage that kind of thinking.

Obama: So we just sit back and watch the horror unfold?

Biden: The good news is, we don’t have to watch. CNN is not going to give up on the Malaysian plane anytime soon.

Kerry: We just ask the UN to handle it. Standard operating procedure.

Obama: But the UN is not capable of handling this.

Kerry: Obviously not. But they issue statements, move a few soldiers around, transfer diplomats. The UN is good at conveying the impression that someone else is doing something about it. That’s the sole reason for its existence really.

Obama: So you just want me donate $100 when I get a call from UNICEF and get back to guessing where that plane is on Facebook?

Biden: Yes. And the best part is – that $100 is tax deductible.

Obama: I don’t know, something about this isn’t right. Aren’t we morally obligated to act?

Kerry: I can see why you might think that. But morals are complicated. Keep in mind that the Pope and the Catholic Church have already killed millions of Africans by ordering them not to use condoms.

Obama: (sighing) But surely we have to do something?

Biden: How about we buy a few red iPod’s for Christmas gifts this year?

Obama: I need an idea that doesn’t involve any real financial or military support but still shows we care just a little bit?

[They all look at each other for a few seconds. Then they smile and nod.]

Obama: Get me Angelina Jolie on the phone.

Top Ten List – Feat. George Bush

(Hat tip: to the retiring David Letterman, and the Top Ten List segment on his show )

We live in strange times indeed. So strange that a guy with no legs decides to shoot his super hot girlfriend for no apparent reason. So strange that Dennis Rodman is the Western Hemisphere’s ambassador of choice to North Korea. So strange, in fact, that a plane with 239 passengers that vanishes into thin air is not the weirdest thing to have happened this year. No. That honour belongs to the unveiling of former President George W Bush as a painter.

Go on. Take all the time you need to digest that factoid.

How could this have happened? How can someone whose IQ is lower than a sunken black box in the Indian Ocean have his own art exhibition? How is it possible that a man who is no more capable of finding Waldo than he is of finding alleged WMDs, is now part of the artistic community? How can a chap who cannot handle a lemonade stand any more efficiently than he can handle his government’s response to a devastating hurricane, consider himself a contemporary of Banksy? Is this God punishing us for electing a black man as President of the United States? Twice?

Regardless, the bottomline is that George Bush has time on his hands and he has picked painting as his hobby. We all have to suck it up and make our peace with that new reality. However, if you are interested in understanding the murky motivations behind this terribly misguided initiative, you’re in luck. Read on.

In his own words, the Top 10 reasons why George Bush took up painting after leaving office:

10. “I want to call myself the Artist formerly known as Bush”

9.   “Rumsfeld threatened to waterboard me if I dint do his portrait”

8.   “I figured I could nail the not-being-appreciated-in-my-lifetime part as an artist really well”

7.   “9/11”

6.  “Colin Powell promised to sell all my paintings. He can sell literally anything to dumb morons”

5.  “I was told it doesn’t involve any reading”

4.  “Who better to bring oil and painting together, eh?”

3.   “Cheney assured me that as an artist, I will, in fact, be greeted as a Liberace”

2.   “I was told it definitely doesn’t involve any reading”

1.   “I have this fabulous sketch of the Prophet Mohammed that I want you all to see….”

Headlines: April 10th, 2014

The Election Commission of India needs to issue the following public service announcement – If your Election lasts more than 4 days, please call a doctor.

Yep. India’s elections involving nearly a billion people takes over a month to finish voting. On the other hand, look what happened in Crimea. It had snap elections completed in a few hours and now they have no McDonald’s anymore. Disaster.

The Indian democratic process is a largely pointless and wastefully expensive undertaking since votes are typically cast on the basis of caste and religion. The only purpose it serves is to make us wonder if China and North Korea are doing something right after all.

Ukraine update. Putin has now amassed an enormous 40,000 troops on the Ukranian border claiming it’s an act of “self-defense”. When he heard about it, even Oscar Pistoruis was like ‘Dude, seriously?’

Russia is also threatening to cut off gas supplies to Europe in response to the weak sanctions and G8 expulsion. And we all thought the Afghanistan war was an over-reaction to 9/11…

The latest on MH370. Chinese ships may have picked up pings from the black box of the missing plane, which has raised people’s expectations. There hasn’t been this much fuss over pings and last-seen-at updates since Facebook bought Whatsapp.

A silver lining? Search crews have picked up so much floating waste and garbage from the Indian Ocean thinking its plane debris that Greenpeace is now telling CNN that Amelia Earhart’s plane is somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

Comic book character and teen favorite Archie Andrews is going to die in the upcoming issue. Fox News is reporting that Archie’s existing insurance plan was cancelled due to Obamacare.

One of the key architects of Obamacare – Kathleen Sibelius – is going to lose her job due to the botched rollout last year. Unfortunately for her, that’s one pre-existing condition that is apparently not covered by the law.

It does seem oddly fitting though. Sibelius somehow got to keep her job despite the disastrous website launch last year and is now getting fired when the site has miraculously exceeded its targets.

This is big. A woman hurled a shoe at Hillary Clinton during a speech in Las Vegas yesterday. In other words, move over Ted Cruz and Chris Christie. We have a new frontrunner for the 2016 Republican nominee for President.

Hope you are sitting down for this. Ex-President George Bush is now a painter. He just held an art exhibition of 30 portraits at the Presidential Center. The next time you visit The Louvre, remind yourself that Bush is likely to sell more paintings than Van Gogh did in his lifetime.

When asked what his biggest challenge was in learning to paint, Bush said that he found it quite tricky to properly hold the paintbrush. You know, because of all the blood on his hands.

A security flaw in Internet encryption has been reported – called Heartbleed – that may have let hackers steal all kinds of sensitive user data for the last 2 years. Oh boy. Between this, the NSA snooping and FaceBook selling our data to advertisers, we as a society these days have less privacy than a Pamela Anderson sex tape.

There is some good news though. For men, that is. Experts have reassured us that when we delete our Internet browser history, it is definitely gone. Phew.

Journalists Allowed to make up fun stories about North Korea in lieu of Salaries

Given that the news media is struggling with lower ad revenues and the disruption of traditional business models, journalists are now being offered a chance to write entirely made up but amazing sounding stories about North Korea if their newspaper can’t afford to pay them salaries.

Lets look at the evidence.

In recent times, there have been several sensational reports about the dictatorial regime that were later thoroughly debunked. While the one about North Korea sending a man to the sun was rather creative, everybody’s favourite was the one where Kim Jong Un fed his traitorous uncle to a pack of ravenous dogs.

Till now, that is. There is a new report out claiming that all men in North Korea are henceforth required to sport Kim Jong Un’s haircut. BOOM!

Leaping to the defence of journalists everywhere, John Roberts of the New York Times said -‘Listen. We are suffering here. Press freedoms are being eviscerated across the globe, aspiring reporters are working as unpaid interns, narcissistic egomaniacs like Rupert Murdoch and Jeff Bezos are buying us out for pennies. The North Korea stories are the only bright spots in our lives. Please don’t take it away from us’.

‘I always wanted to be a journalist so that I could be an agent of change in the world and improve people’s lives in a meaningful way’ said another reporter. ‘But being a billionaire’s play toy and cooking up Kim Jong Un fantasies isn’t too shabby either.’

Every male having Kim Jong Un’s haircut – known as the ‘Chinese smuggler hairstyle’ – sounds pretty bad. On the upside, no one in North Korea has to ever see ‘The Trump’ or ‘The Bieber’.

A spokesman for the BBC revealed they had hyped up this fake story to see if CNN would break its relentless Malaysian plane coverage for at least 10 seconds. Sadly, it was not to be. ‘We have to hand it to CNN. They just couldn’t be distracted’ he said, admiringly.

Reacting to the story, Supreme Leader of North Korea Kim Jong Un told reporters -‘It is true. I want everyone to get my haircut. Also, go read Vettiguy’s blog and tell all your friends about it. This is my command’.

Fans Left in Tears as Pharrell Williams is Caught on Tape Buying Bottle of Prozac

Shock waves were sent across the world yesterday as TMZ released secretly recorded footage of ‘Happy’ singer/rapper Pharrell Williams buying a rather large bottle of anti-depressants at a drug store in Los Angeles.

After being confronted by the TMZ reporter on the spot, a nervous Pharrell Williams broke down and proceeded to pour his heart out. A partial transcript of the video –

Pharrell Williams – “…..so yeah, I’ve always been sad, bro. You know why? Coz I used to be poor. Did ya’ll know that? I was homeless. Am guessing none of you ever lived in a room without a roof. Heard of this thing called rain? Happy-like-a-room-without-a-roof my ass. You always need the roof, yo. I was just messing with ya’ll.

[At this point, Mr. Pharrell Williams stops to pop of a couple of Prozacs and then continues]

Did you know there are over 800 versions of the song? You know what’s worse? I must have seen at least 700 of them. Can you imagine that? And now, I have to work with the dopes at the UN because the damn song made me famous? Can you blame me for being depressed, bro?”

As the clip went viral on YouTube, fans of the singer were left sobbing inconsolably and wondering if they had ever really been happy or merely fallen victims to the power of suggestion and/or a self-fulfilling prophecy. ‘I did hear the word happy about 237 times in a 4 minute song’, said a teenager in his own defense, rather reasonably.

An op-ed in the New York Times today by Thomas Friedman delves deeper into the mind of the troubled singer and our collective complicity in pushing him to the edge. An excerpt –
It is now beyond dispute that Pharrell Williams was attempting to subtly satirize society’s seemingly simplistic conceptions of happiness and well-being. And what happened? We all took it literally. Its evident that the song has been spectacularly misinterpreted in tone, especially by the millennial generation, who have unwittingly appropriated his biting social commentary on modern man’s psychological naiveté for reprehensible ends like sharing it on Facebook to get more ‘likes’. The song does start with the line – ‘I’m about to say something crazy’. On hindsight, that should have tipped us off.

Donald Trump had the final word with this tweet – ‘Who else is lying to us? Maybe someone should go check if Adele has found someone else just like her ex-boyfriend or not. It’s been over 3 years. We need answers NOW’.

Over 7 Million Americans sign up for Obamacare believing it to be a Groupon Deal

In a rather amazing turn of events, a drunken intern posting Obamacare as a Groupon deal by mistake resulted in a massive surge in sign-ups and the Affordable Care Act meeting its target of 7 million people by March 31.

The intern did make some rather tantalizing offers – ‘Up to 76% off your impending Alzheimer’s diagnosis, 100% off your next Chemo session’ – which were snapped up by eager Americans looking for a bargain.

Political insiders admitted to being utterly confounded that after hundreds of speeches, millions of dollars in marketing and over 2,000 pages of legislation, all it took was an alcohol-induced blunder. ‘If this doesn’t validate Charlie Sheen’s approach to life, I don’t know what does’ conceded a visibly shaken White House adviser David Axelrod. Rubbing more salt into the wounds, the intern loudly speculated that he could have got the same number of sign-ups with ‘a Kickstarter campaign from my garage’.

When he heard about it, an incredulous President Obama raged -‘Wait, so we dint need that damn website after all?!’

Dept. of Health Secretary Kathleen Sebelius was equally at a loss for words. ‘I find it quite amazing……..that I still have my job. I really do,’ she confessed to reporters, who nodded in agreement. She also later admitted to signing up for the Alzheimer’s deal.

The administration is understood to be working on further “out of the box” ideas to get even more people to sign up for health insurance. One of which is to insert the contract into the iTunes end-user agreement when iOS8 is launched.

No GOP representatives were available for comment as they were busy on Capitol Hill trying to repeal Obamacare for the 374th time.

Manchester United Fire David Moyes and Appoint Bronze Statue of Sir Alex Ferguson as New Manager

Following a dismal season that has seen Manchester United languishing in the middle of the Premier League table, the Board of Directors have fired head coach David Moyes with immediate effect and replaced him with the newly unveiled statue of Sir Alex Ferguson at Old Trafford.

The club confirmed that the Statue, which was installed outside the stadium in Nov 2012, has been appropriately offered a 26-year contract. A short statement on the club’s official website said -‘Since David Moyes was signed on a 6-year deal despite his total lack of a winning mentality or experience in handling big clubs, we felt compelled to give the Statue an even longer contract’.

Encouragingly, Sir Alex Ferguson has extended his support for the Statue -‘I like that he is of Scottish origin. As you all know, that is pretty much the only quality I look for in a United manager’. The departing manager Moyes was suitably dejected. ‘I understand that the Board and the fans are cross with me. And you certainly don’t cross Sir Alex or his Statue at this club. I guess I’ll be OK. It’s just another cross I have to bear’ he said, confirming his ill-advised love for crosses yet again.

An online poll of United fans following this shock move showed that an overwhelming majority (75%) fully backed the Fergie Statue as the new gaffer. Other top picks were Jose Mourinho (8%), Pep Guardiola (7%), Fergie’s racehorse (4%) and Toronto’s crack-mayor Rob Ford (3%). Incredibly, 2% of the fans still backed David Moyes, although this group comprised solely of 85-year old season-ticket holders who are under the impression the season is yet to start.

Speaking for the dressing room, a visibly excited Wayne Rooney said that the new manager was “someone who was firmly grounded, with a solid head on his shoulders and a spine of steel”, not realizing he had also perfectly described the structural composition of the Statue through his annoying sports clichés.

An FA spokesperson said that referees are delighted at the prospect of finally being able to officiate in matches where Fergie will have his mouth firmly shut at the touchline. In return, the refs promised to resume their long-standing policy of adding generous injury time at the end of United games, a critical contributor to many of the Red Devils’ title-winning campaigns.

Along expected lines, celebrity Gunners fan Piers Morgan sent out a regretful tweet: “Another glorious chance squandered to sign a real winner to manage Arsenal. #WengerOut”

Putin Still Undecided If He Cares Less about G8 Expulsion OR the Kardashian Vogue Cover

Official sources in the Kremlin have revealed that Russian President Vladimir Putin couldn’t care less about being ejected from the coalition of the G8 nations as a response to his annexation of Crimea. Speaking to reporters, Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov said – ‘Mr.Putin is in the process of figuring out a series of complicated next steps. Should he invade and capture the whole of Ukraine? Or should he first take over other fringe countries like Estonia and Latvia? Where should he be staging the next mock referendum? Amidst all this, Mr.Putin was in a good place mentally about how much of a rats ass he gave about the sanctions put in place so far’.

In that context, the Kardashian Vogue controversy couldn’t have come at a worse time for him. Anna Wintour’s decision, as the editor of Vogue, to put Kim Kardashian on the cover has outraged the upper echelons of NYC’s latte-sipping bicycle-riding fashion magazine subscribers and set twitter alight over the weekend. ‘Now that the ridiculous Vogue story has been brought to his attention, Mr.Putin has to weigh it against the G8 expulsion to figure out which one he could give less of a f**k about’ explained Sergey Lavrov. ‘This has not been easy’.

As someone who has also been in the news recently due to an unauthorized invasion into foreign territory, French President Hollande was sympathetic to Putin – ‘Even as we slap more meaningless sanctions on Vlad, I understand the tricky situation he is in. A few months ago, I dint know if I cared less about my marriage or my commitment to honorably serving the French people as I went about banging that cute actress’.

CNN’s Wolf Blitzer confessed that he could relate to Putin’s dilemma as well -‘Once we made the editorial decision as a media outlet to exclusively cover the missing Malaysian plane on a borderline obsessive level, it was rather difficult to decide what other critical stories we dint give a damn about. Was it Crimea? Or the bloody protests in Venezuela? Should it be the continuing horror in Syria? We had so many options to pick from’.

‘Let’s just hope the Oscar Pistorius trial result isn’t announced any time soon’ said a worried looking Lavrov as he signed off.

Christian Couple Log Off the Internet for Weeks to Avoid ‘Noah’ Spoilers

(Hat-tip: The Onion for all the laughs over the years)

Mark and Angela Shepherd, a devoted Christian couple from Amarillo, Texas have reportedly cut themselves off all forms of media and contact with human beings for the last 2 months to avoid spoilers for the upcoming Hollywood blockbuster ‘Noah’.

Claiming they are “slow readers”, the couple is still working their way through the first few chapters of the Book of Genesis, where God has just expelled Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden. Angela gushed -‘This is a really exciting development. We can’t wait to see where the story goes from here’. Mark added -‘Admittedly, we’re still at the part where Eve is talking to snakes in the garden and God has taken roughly 48 hours to cobble together the entirety of the known Universe. We are praying the movie stays firmly grounded in that kind of reality based narrative and is not some silly Hollywood fantasy.’

‘Noah’ is, of course, an adaptation of the beloved children’s fairy tale classic, ‘The Bible’, which has proven to be surprisingly popular among adults (much like the Harry Potter series). From the outset, the movie has been embroiled in controversy over creative liberties and deviations from the original text. For instance, the movie shows Noah gathering more than a handful of chicken and a dozen cows into the ship. Director Darren Aronofsky justified it arguing -‘We just figured Noah was on a longish trip and would want to have a nice dinner every now and then.’ He also deflected criticism over Russell Crowe portraying the 900-year Noah from the Bible as a ruggedly handsome 35-year old. ‘Go to talk his publicist. He’s the one to blame for that’ – Aronofsky fumed. Another notable oddity was God’s instruction for Noah to build a ship strong enough to conduct search operations in the notoriously rough seas of the remote Southern Indian Ocean. “You’ll know what I mean some day”, God says mysteriously in the voice over.

Murmurs from the Vatican indicated the Pope was not too impressed with the movie and had dismissed it as being ‘not as good as the book’. However, the Pontiff ultimately granted his blessings after Russell Crowe agreed to take a selfie with him.

When asked about their expectations from the rest of the Bible, Mark confessed -‘I can’t wait for the dinosaurs to make an appearance, to be honest’. Angela had other concerns. ‘We are finding the Old Testament quite complex so far’ she lamented with a sigh. ‘If only God had given us a short bullet-point list of instructions to live our lives by. Something incredibly simplistic and easy for impressionable kids to memorize. That would have been a blessing’.

Headlines: March 25th, 2014

If you are in NYC this week, make sure you check out its latest tourist attraction that is drawing more traffic than Times Square or most porn sites. The top of the new WTC building.

Yep. After last week’s teen who sneaked past security, a group of base jumpers released a YouTube clip of them leaping off the top of the World Trade Center at night. Sure. Because if there is one thing New Yorkers really need, it is to randomly look up and see mysterious dark objects flying around the WTC building.

The Crimea fallout. The US got Russia kicked out of the G8 yesterday. In retaliation, America was thrown out of the USSR by Putin. Both moves are expected to roughly have the same impact on each country.

Obama also warned Russia that he was ready to impose more penalties if it kept up the aggression. For starters, Putin and his cabinet ministers would be barred from signing up for Obamacare.

Obama was recently on Zack Galifianakis’ show on FunnyorDie.com to promote Obamacare among youngsters. Bill O’Reilly criticized him claiming Abraham Lincoln wouldn’t have done something like this. Ha! Lincoln was watching a three-act farce in a theater when he was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth. He is better positioned than most ex-Presidents to relate to the concept of Funny or Die.

Meanwhile, Michelle Obama is on a trip to China pushing ‘soft diplomacy’ via innocuous clichés about human rights, press freedoms etc that are not really expected to make much of a difference. She has also been practicing drawing red lines in the sand as preparation for the trip.

It wasn’t all bad. After her husband’s battles with the Palin’s and the Romney’s for the Presidency, she told the Chinese she now understood and appreciated their one-child policy.

Mrs. Obama will actually have a unique distinction from this trip. She will be the first American woman to leave China with the same number of kids she came in with.

The football world cup in Qatar is in doubt after it was revealed that a senior FIFA official received $1.2 million in bribes. Just so we are clear, this is a country that doesn’t think twice about casually blowing $250 million on a painting. The real scandal is they were only extorted a million dollars in bribes.

You know what’s an easy job? Being the Editor of the NYT in Pakistan. On Sunday’s paper, the entire front page was just a blank sheet.

Apparently, the article blanked out was a lengthy report on what Pakistan knew about bin Laden and the support he got from the ISI and Taliban. Really? If this is breaking news to anyone, Assange and Snowden must consider themselves failures and explore other career options.

Bernie Madoff has confessed in an interview that JPMorgan executives knew all about his criminal activities for years but kept quiet as he brought in a lot of money. In other words, this is the Wall Street version of the Pakistani ISI keeping bin Laden safe in Abbottabad before the raid.

Madoff also warned investors to protect their money and stay away from the stock market. This is not unlike God giving Noah the heads up to start building an Ark five years after unleashing the massive flood that had already drowned the entire world.

Pope Francis has issued a stern warning to the Italian mafia that they are “going to hell” unless they change their ways. When asked how they would recognize hell, the Pope pointed out most members of his Vatican would be there too.

On the other hand, by repenting and living a pure life, the Pope said we can create a heaven here on earth. Right on cue, Starbucks announced it will also be serving wine and beer in its coffee shops from April.

“Everybody Calm the F**k Down” – A letter to shareholders from Mark Zuckerberg

(Note: It is possible Mr. Zuckerberg was quite drunk and/or moody whilst posting this on his Facebook account around midnight yesterday. It has since been deleted and replaced with this.)

I was really excited last week to have completed the acquisition of mobile messaging service Whatsapp. All the formalities were done and I was on my well-deserved vacation in Cabo with my beautiful wife Priscilla. The last people I wanted to hear from at that moment were our corporate lawyers and PR team. They were insistent that I make some kind of formal statement to our shareholders explaining the rationale behind the buy-out to calm them down. Apparently, 19 billion is a lot of money to some people. I couldn’t believe my ears.

I’ll just come out and say it. Blood suckers, all of you! I took this company from nothing to the $170 billion global empire it is today. No thanks to any of you. I’m worth 28 billion. With a B. I have a movie made about my life that won Oscars and Golden Globes and shit. And suddenly, I have to explain every trivial business decision I make? Every three months, I am expected to bend over backwards just because you are waving a piece of paper that says you’re a “shareholder”? God, I miss the days before we went public! I blame Sheryl for that one. She got me into this mess and now spends most of her time talking with Oprah and trying to ban words. Jesus!

Anyway. You want to know why? Here’s why. My vision for Facebook is to make the whole world more connected and….you know what, screw it. I did it to fuck with Google, OK? That’s why. Just to mess with their little brains. I had this deal tied into a neat little knot for way less – around 10 billion – before Larry stuck his fugly head in to the mix and tried to fuck me over. I can’t let that happen. So I threw in 10 billion more. Mind you, we still got em on the cheap. I was ready to go as high as 43 billion.

How did I arrive at 43 billion? Call it a sixth sense. Or whatever. I know, OK? I am the CEO for a reason. I make these calls and I make em right. I was having drinks with Jeff Bezos the other day and he confessed he basically pulled the $79 Amazon Prime pricing out of his ass. And look how well it worked out for him. No messing about with spreadsheets and balance sheets. That’s how we roll.

Sure, we bought Whatsapp for its 450 million teenager user base. Sure, we paid 42 dollars for each of them. Are they worth it? Of course not. Most teens are not worth the piece of gum they just spat out. Trust me, I hate teenagers as much as the rest of you. They are fickle and horny and smell like soy sauce. I should know. I used to be one. But for whatever reason, advertisers and Catholic priests really love them. Left us with no choice really. On the upside, they don’t give a rats ass about privacy or the NSA snooping. Bless their Bieber-loving hearts! No one can tell me why but for the last three years, they were leaving FB in droves and moving to Whatsapp. But now that we bought it, I expect they will stick with us forever and ever. I mean, why wouldn’t they?

I am aware a lot of you out there want to call me an imbecile. A moron. That I overpaid. Grossly overpaid. For a startup that is valued higher than most S&P 500 companies but has no business model or monetization potential. I know you do. Especially all you hacks calling yourselves “analysts” and journalists. But you can’t. I built the biggest social network the world has ever known and y’all work for free in a dying business. So most of you jumped on board with your laughable post-facto rationalizations. Called it a strategic maneuver. Protecting my territory. Demographics. Whatever. But in your cowardly little hearts, you know you want to call me a fool. You want to scream TECH BUBBLE. But you don’t have the balls to do it. That’s the best part. LOL. I’ve proven you wrong before and you’re shitting your pants I will somehow do it again. Y’all thought FB was massively overvalued during our IPO and we’re now trading at twice that price. Let’s face it. You took my side on this one just to protect your own asses. Doesn’t matter. I don’t expect your puny little minds to understand real genius anyway.  Would you ask Einstein to explain relativity to a bunch of blathering baboons?

What’s that? Steve Jobs was the genius? Oh really? Last time I checked, Apple shares were trading at 13X its earnings and 8X its cash flow. And FB? At 111X its earnings and 41X the cash flow. We don’t even make anything. And never will. Who’s laughing now, Appletards?

I mean, look at our so-called competitors. They are a fucking mess. Microsoft is still wondering if it should get into mobile. Sergei is busy chasing interns and screwing up his marriage. Tim Cook is making poor Jony design plastic phones. In shiny colours. Jony fucking Ive. Making plastic fucking phones. What a waste. Jeff is eating cockroaches and running Amazon as a not-for-profit enterprise. Losers.

I’ve always had a grand vision for this company. Well….not always, I guess. I created FB to rate girls from my dorm room but that’s how all big ideas come about. I read somewhere that Gandhi got his fasting protest idea when he had no money to buy dinner one night. And look where it got him. Toppled the British Empire and shit. Or take my man Putin. He went into Crimea knowing fully well it’s a piece of shit real estate. It’s going to cost him billions to maintain. Its tanking the Russian economy. A nightmare. But he did it anyway. Just to make a statement. Made Obama look like a chump, dint he? That’s what leaders do. We make the tough decisions. Do I really need Whatsapp? No. I don’t. Do I feel good that Whatsapp is now worth more than Sony? Not at all. Makes me sick to my stomach. But I can’t let Google win. No way in hell. Not on my watch.

Here’s the bottomline. Take a chill pill. Let me work my magic. Y’all can show up at the end of every quarter to collect your money for doing nothing. Think you can handle that? 19B is a lot? Go talk to Google. They just blew 12 billion on Motorola and no one gave a fuck. Youtube is still bleeding money. Life goes on. I got this, OK? Totes. Good night, bitches.

Headlines: 21st March, 2014

I don’t want to unnecessarily alarm anyone but when I tried to look up Russia on Google today morning, it asked if I meant USSR instead.

VP Joe Biden met with the leaders of Poland, Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania to assure them of US support against expansionist Russia. He told them Obama had drawn a clear red line at Putin moving troops beyond Crimea, which somehow seemed to make them more jittery.

Putin might also try to capture the whole of Ukraine following his chilling claim that Kiev is the “mother” of all Russian cities. So if he does invade and annex Kiev with brute force, it would literally make Putin the baddest motherf***er on the planet.

Russia has gotten the sternest criticism for unilaterally marching troops beyond its borders from the US, which only has a modest 275,000 active-duty military troops stationed in 150 countries around the world at the moment. Moral high ground FTW.

The US and the EU have targeted Putin’s inner circle and placed travel and bank account freezes on 33 of his close friends. Bizarrely, this will affect the outcome of the English Premier League more than the Russian economy if Jose Mourinho can’t buy Diego Costa.

France’s Hollande had strong words as well – ‘Borders cannot be redrawn and a region can’t pass from one nation to another without a response’. A shame Palestinians in the West Bank have no access to TV or the Internet. They would have really enjoyed this joke.

John McCain fired a zinger too, calling Russia a ‘gas station masquerading as a country’. Very funny. But I doubt if anyone in the Kremlin is laughing. The US has the annoying tendency to invade any country which fits that description (see Iraq, Libya, Saudi Arabia, Iran).

Russia’s Foreign Ministry reacted to the sanctions vowing to ‘respond with equal force to every aggressive thrust’. If it’s ok with you all, I’ll take this one. THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!  THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!

So yeah, Putin has hit back at the US with sanctions of his own banning several US officials from travelling to Russia. This is sadly not expected to sting as much given that Anna Kournikova and Maria Sharapova are already in America.

In a sanctions tit-for-tat, the US said it will ban the works of Russian writers Dostoevsky, Chekov and Tolstoy in its colleges and universities. Shortly after, #LoveYouPutin was trending on Twitter.

Canada is chipping in. Many provinces are considering removing all Russian vodka off store shelves. In the middle of the worst winter in decades. Really? Memo to Canada – the way sanctions work is it should hurt the other country more than it hurts your own people.

This week, the cast of the hit TV show ‘Lost’ had a reunion. However, all MH370 questions were barred. Several cast members wanted to share their thoughts on the police brutality on hapless Venezuelan protestors, but all journalists had left the building by then.

Donald Trump has sent out an obnoxious tweet questioning if the US should be spending money tracking down a plane with mostly Chinese passengers. It’s at times like this that Turkey’s Twitter ban, despite its blatant political motives, comes across as a public service.

The Justin Bieber deposition. The lawyer who questioned Bieber is under fire for repeatedly asking Biebs if he was sleeping with Selena Gomez or not. Bear in mind that the 40 million teenage girls following Biebs on Twitter (who can vote in 2016) are more interested in the answer to that question than they are in the new Fed Chairman’s views on monetary policy.

Meanwhile, another teenager yesterday sneaked past security at the new WTC building, got all the way to the top – just to take a bunch of selfies. It was called a ‘massive missed opportunity’. No, not by Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. By Samsung’s marketing department.

India elections update. The Congress party wanted Sachin Tendulkar to run against Narendra Modi in Varanasi. Sachin refused saying he doesn’t openly support any political party. This, incidentally, marks the first time Sachin has ever turned down an endorsement deal.

Headlines: 19th March, 2014

Day 12 MH370 update: CNN’s flight simulator guy has been locked up in there for so long that he has asked the backstage crew to smuggle him a bible, a hammer and a Rita Hayworth poster.

Drama! Turns out the Thai military also picked up radar data from the plane but waited for a week to release the information. When asked why, Air Marshall Montol explained that his team had to cut themselves off from all external communication to avoid ‘True Detective’ finale spoilers.  

It has been revealed that the co-pilot’s last words from the cockpit were ‘all right, good night’. This has investigators very concerned. Even more ominous was the next bombshell that the air-hostesses had performed a safety demo for emergency water landings before take-off. What did they know??

More dirt on the pilots. There is now a picture circulating of the chief pilot Zaharie Shah wearing a t-shirt with a political slogan susceptible to misinterpretation- “If you like your plan(e), you can keep it”.

Despite a coalition of 25 countries, search efforts by international military teams have been haphazard and confused. Understandably so. They are not trained for operations of this nature. If only their mission was to bomb some Middle East country into rubble. A pity.

CNN’s obsessive, over-the-top vacuous coverage of the missing plane has drawn widespread criticism. As a last resort, desperate protesters in Crimea, Syria and Venezuela are planning to hijack a NASA rocket and fly it to the moon for CNN to acknowledge their existence.

Somewhat surprisingly, CNN has missed out on the juicy Oscar Pistorius trial as well.  He continued to stubbornly claim he mistakenly shot his girlfriend thinking she was a burglar. The sobbing began after the judge reminded him that defense only works in Florida.

Update on Crimea. The US has imposed weak sanctions on Russia which Putin has laughed off. When John Kerry was asked what counted as success for the sanctions, he said – ‘If we can cripple their economy enough to get Snowden fired from his fulltime job, we’ll take it’.

As expected, the Crimea referendum results showed 97% of the population voted ‘YES’ for the motion. However, closer inspection of the voting booths revealed serious irregularities. The question on the ballot was actually ‘Should David Moyes be fired with immediate effect as the manager of Manchester United?’

Economists predict that Russia may have to spend about $30 billion over the next decade to support the economically backward Crimean region. When he heard about it, Mark Zuckerberg posted a status update calling it a fantastic bargain.

Zuckerberg rationalized the costly WhatsApp purchase by arguing it gave him much-needed access to millions of teenagers who were deserting his service. One can imagine thousands of Catholic priests across the world nodding their heads in agreement at this line of thought.

The Facebook CEO also called up President Obama to voice his complaints about the NSA. He conveyed his strong conviction to Obama that violating the privacy rights of billions of people is only morally admissible in the critical pursuit of delivering targeted ads.

Toronto will be having elections later this year to try and replace its controversial Mayor, Rob Ford. All the other candidates have agreed to use the same campaign slogan – ‘To watch a freak show in Toronto, go to the Cirque de Soleil’.

Yet another video has emerged showing Rob Ford drunk and slobbering. His brother shrugged it off saying no one cared if Rob had 10 beers if he did his job well. Fair enough. When Rob is sober, he really really wants to install a giant Ferris Wheel in the middle of downtown.

Stephen Hawking stunned the scientific community recently by declaring that according to quantum theory, there is no such thing as a black hole. His statement has been greeted with a great degree of skepticism and denial. Mostly by Bitcoin investors.

Headlines: Malaysian Airline MH370 Update

Day 11: Latest update on the search for the missing Malaysian Flight MH370*

*Refer to update on Day 1

In today’s press briefing, the Malaysian Prime Minister kept up the theme of constant denials and contradictions from his govt by claiming there never was a MH370. He accused international news organizations and search crews of binge-watching too much ‘Lost’ on Netflix.

Many suspect the Malaysian govt of deliberate misinformation and foul play. They are vehemently denying it. I believe them. Its not like the Malaysians have a thriving illegal migrant trade routed through their airports or anything. Nothing to hide.

Lots of theories on what happened. The latest, based on radar data, claims the plane flew North as far as Kazakhstan. Another scenario based on the same radar data indicates its somewhere South in the Indian Ocean. A baffling paradox? Not if you know your physics. Its a simple case of Schroedinger’s Plane.

Rupert Murdoch tweeted out loud that he believes the plane has been hijacked and hidden safely in North Pakistan (much like bin Laden). Wolf Blitzer on CNN reacted by saying this theory was not wildly speculative enough to bring Rupert on CNN as an “expert”.

On re-reading his tweet the next day, Murdoch wrote a follow-up wishing he had tweeted something less embarrassing to the entire world, like a bunch of dick pics under the pseudonym ‘Carlos Danger’.

Despite the two Iranians with fake passports on board, terrorism has been more or less ruled out as a possibility. I don’t know who is more disappointed – the Ayatollah Khamenei or Fox News.

Since MH370 could have flown for 2,200 nautical miles from its last known position, it had a potential 364 runways in 26 different countries to land in. On a positive note, Vladimir Putin has already sent thousands of Russian troops to Ukraine to inspect and cross it off the list. 1 down. 25 more to go.

With no other leads, the focus is on the pilots. Chief pilot Zaharie Shah is suspected of hijacking the plane as a protest against the ruling party. Only people with no political beliefs or core convictions whatsoever should fly planes from now on. On the downside, this just leaves us with the population of Switzerland. And Manmohan Singh.

His co-pilot, Fariq Hamid, has been known to bring women into the cockpit for fun on previous flights. Despite the obvious security risks, any young Muslim man driving a plane who seeks the company of virgins on earth as opposed to the afterlife is fine by me.

With the search expanded to the Andaman sea, India has joined in the hunt as well. The Malaysian govt called it a welcome development – ‘We know people are saying there is no way the search effort could have been handled more incompetently or shoddily than we have so far. We are quite confident they will be made to eat their words soon’.

India has thrown in an astrologer in the mix to “help”, which has led to plenty of ridicule. Mostly from people who dismissed the idea as absurd in the age of satellites, radar etc. Instead, they have been fervently “praying” to their favorite deity for divine intervention. Much more rational.

Meanwhile, China has urged Malaysia to be more open in sharing information accurately and in a timely manner. Ouch! You know you are in trouble when the Chinese are demanding you be more transparent.

In a desperate measure, a Shaman performed rituals at Kuala Lumpur airport with coconuts, a magic stick and carpet. On the bright side, whatever the witch doctor mumbled at those coconuts arguably made more sense than the Malaysian government’s official statements.

Since everyone has a theory on what happened, here’s mine- ‘At 165 million square kms in area, the Pacific Ocean covers about 50% of the Earth’s water surface and about 1/3rd of its total surface area’. Much larger than the average swimming pool, you know.