Surely You Gotto be Kidding Me!

Here’s how bad the recession has got. India is now outsourcing business to other countries.

Yep. The second season of IPL will be played outside India due to security concerns. I don’t get it. The event is conducted by some of the most-feared terrorists in the word – the BCCI and Lalit Modi. We have their explicit support. They assure us they have no interest in harming the players. What more do we need?

Ironically, more people would have turned up for the IPL games than the voting booths. By that logic, shouldn’t we be holding the elections outside India instead of the IPL? Nobody cares anyway. You know, just have the elections in the UK or America or something. We have enough desis there. Ask Karan Johar.

This will surprise you. Barack Obama has sent out a conciliatory message to the Iranian people through YouTube. How cool is that? He then proceeded to add Ahmedinijad as a friend on Facebook. And reports indicate that Ayatollah Khameni is now following Obama on Twitter.

Has it come to this? The Iranians brushed it off as a joke. Seriously, can we just go back to the days when Obama pledged to talk to the leaders of rogue states with no preconditions? We’ll take that over YouTube diplomacy.

Did you watch Jon Stewart interview Jim Cramer from MSNBC? Jim Cramer was on mea culpa-mode from start to finish. The last time a Wall Street insider got beaten up like that on TV was……actually, it was only two days ago….when Tim Geithner was left with no option but to plead guilty on the AIG bonus fiasco.

Turns out Geither included a clause in the bail-out bill that allowed banks to pay out the bonuses. He figured that the Treasury can always print more money over weekends. AIG wants to pay out 160 million in bonuses? Not a problem. We’ll just print a Trillion dollars in new cash and make up for it.

I wish Obama would spare us the fake “outrage” over the bonuses. I mean, what else do you expect when you hand a bunch of crooks 170 billion dollars with virtually no strings attached? He’s obstinate, aint he? Just won’t give up on that whole no-preconditions policy.

Having said that, you’ve gotto admire the folks at AIG. They took massive risks knowing they wouldn’t be allowed to go under by the Fed. And now, they’ve got hundreds of billions in taxpayer money to pay for their f**ked up bets. When you think about it, they’ve sold the ultimate Credit Default Swap agreement to the American taxpayers without them even realizing it.

What’s more, AIG is now suing the Fed to recover $306 million of taxes it paid in 2008. So the company is suing its biggest shareholder (taxpayers) with taxpayer money to get back some tax dollars, which would be re-distributed to its shareholders (taxpayers) as dividends. Why can’t AIG do us all a favour and not file taxes at all? You know, like Tim Geithner?

The worst part – some AIG executives took these so–called “retention bonuses” and still quit the company. Their contracts allowed them to collect massive bonuses before the crisis in 2008 and even after it. In some ways, I can see why these ass***** are called the best and brightest people in America.

Obama was on the Tonight Show on Thursday. The interview was quite light-hearted, you know…..joke after joke from the President. Like when he told Leno that Tim Geithner was doing an “outstanding job” as the Treasury Secretary. That was my favourite.

He then went to confess that banks were just keeping the bail-out money to maintain certain capital ratios. No wonder the credit markets are still frozen. Not counting all the credit Obama is giving Geithner for doing such a fabulous job, of course.

Some quips dint go down well with the audience though. Like the one where Obama compared his poor bowling score to athletes in the Special Olympics. And given the huge budget deficit, his government’s credit score is worse than his bowling score.

Pope Benedict, travelling in Africa, created a furor by saying that condoms “increase the problem” of AIDS. And with just one statement, he’s moved himself into the list of the top 3 dangers facing humanity. Just behind Dick Cheney and marginally above global warming.

The Pope argues that his statement is backed by solid empirical evidence. He points out that all his bishops in churches worldwide have religiously used condoms will having sex with children and nuns but still got infected with HIV.

More on the Indian political scene / elections tomorrow……

Everyone’s talking about AIG. And the outrage over $165 million in bonuses paid to executives at the company. This was after AIG received close to $175 billion in federal bailout money and is at the heart of a global financial crisis. So all the brouhaha is understandable. No one has any clue why these bonuses are being paid.

Luckily for us, AIG CEO Edward Liddy was able to clarify some of these questions. Apparently, there are plenty of good reasons why AIG has to pay its executives these bonuses on time.

In Ed Liddy’s own words, the Top 10 reasons why the bonuses had to be promptly paid with taxpayer money-

10. “Tim Geithner owes you guys more in unpaid back-taxes. Deal with him first, will ya?”.

9. “The Execs threatened to defect to the Third Front”.

8. “Its paid out in Canadian dollars. Its a lot less than you think, really”.

7. “We took away their jets. At least give them this.”

6. “If we don’t do this, then the terrorists win.”

5. “We need to do this to retain the best and brightest talent, who just lost us 61 billion in Q1″.

4. “Yes, we can”.

3. “You cant hate us more than Bernie Madoff, surely?”

2. “Nawaz Sharif threatened to march into the Arabian Sea with his supporters”.

1. “AIG Execs are taxpayers too”.

It’s Holi. The festival of colours. The one day politicians can change shades every minute with no questions asked. Ominous signs for the BJP – no takers for the saffron dyes.

No one was spared. Even LK Advani was left red-faced at the end of the day. But it had nothing to do with Holi. Just that all his allies are bailing on him at the last minute.

Speaking of which, Naveen Patnaik is facing another flood crisis in Orissa. This time around, his office has been inundated with frantic calls from every single Prime Ministerial candidate in the Third Front.

Its ridiculous how everyone in the Third Front is considering himself / herself PM material. Having said that, its good to have choices. Last time, we had to pick between an Italian and someone who’d never won a Lok Sabha seat.

The scary part? Mayawati has thrown her hat in the ring. She is virtually holding the Left Parties to ransom threatening to leave the Front if she is not nominated. Am slowly starting to buy into the whole karma philosophy.

But the Third Front leaders say they wont project a PM candidate till the elections are over. In effect, we are asked to vote for them now to afford them the right to make up their minds later.

And what a motley crew at that! The beard (Naidu), the nay-sayer (Karat), the fat one (JJ), the retard (Mayawati), the sleeper (Gowda)…. its like watching the Lagaan XI contesting the elections.

Given recent developments, the Election Commission is now faced with a great challenge. Its dysfunctional team has been entrusted with the task of scheduling and securely conducting IPL matches while sneaking in a general election in between, if possible.

Doesn’t it feel like that? Why are we negotiating back and forth with Lalit Modi on the verge of arguably the country’s most important elections ever? Taken collectively – with Pak-Taliban, Lanka-LTTE, Bangladeshi Army-defectors, India- Modi – the entire Asian subcontinent is involved in negotiating with terrorists. Not our proudest moment.

India has handed over its replies to the 30 questions from Pak. Just to be safe, it has handed separate copies to everyone currently in charge of Pakistan – the Taliban, Zardari, Gilani, the Army Chief, Nawaz Sharif and Imran Khan.

This raises some serious concerns for Obama. If the Commies take over India and the Taliban topple Zardari, the US wouldn’t know which country to invade first.

Pranab defended himself in a recent interview with Karan Thapar. He said the economy was under pressure and struggling to cope. The Congress had done all it could but the road to recovery was slow and painful. No wait….. this was about Manmohan in hospital.

Anybody even remember him? Manmohan’s completely disappeared from the public radar. He’s done his bit for the party but the spotlight is totally on Sonia and Rahul these days. He got a note from Resul Pookutty that said ‘Been there, done that’.

Mulayam finally admitted that it was a mistake to hand out money to voters as part of Holi celebrations. So the mistake count, as per Amar Singh’s calculations, currently reads Mulayam – 1, CBI – 288.

Reacting to criticism from the Dalai Lama, China contended that Tibet was in fact a ‘paradise on earth’, rather than hell. The Govt spokesman said China would only take that back if we stopped calling SWAT valley the Switzerland of the Far East.

Update on the Iraqi shoe thrower. He’s been sentenced to 3 years in jail. And grandpa Bernie Madoff, who swindled more than 50 billion, has been handed a lifetime sentence. Or 3 years, whichever is shorter.

Everyone’s in shock over what happened to the Lankan team. None more so than the Taliban/LeT. They are utterly shocked that the rest of us assumed sportsmen would not be targeted.

This was after the Lankan team was promised President-level security. Really? If this is the protection President-level security gets you, I don’t blame Zardari for signing that pre-emptive deal with the Taliban.

No more sports in the country. If it’s any consolation, Pakistan can continue playing mind games with India and ‘double-games’ with the US.

Yep. A call intercepted by the CIA confirmed that the Pakistani military is still actively supporting the Taliban. So Pakistan is happily absorbing billions in free aid whilst merely pretending to help America in return. Kinda like AIG, when you think about it.

It’s been 2 days and no real leads. Zardari has assured everyone that the state is the doing the best it can. Sure, but no resignations. None so far. Shivraj Patil was not reachable for comment.

Condemning the attack, the Congress sneaked in a comment that Pakistan could fast become the Somalia of Asia. Pretty rich, coming from a country currently in the international spotlight for A) terrorism and B) its slums.

In terms of the fallout, this will affect the staging of the IPL next month and cost the BCCI and Lalit Modi millions of dollars in losses. So victory for one bunch of terrorists has been balanced out with substantial losses for another. Poetic justice.

Digest this. Pakistan expects to tour Bangladesh as scheduled this month despite what happened in Lahore. Any and all military personnel still alive after the Army mutiny last week will try providing security.

Chidambaram issued a warning that militants might attempt to do something during the elections. Given that Maulana Sufi Mohammad openly denounces democracy as ‘sin and infidelity’, PChid might want to re-think the word ‘might’.

I mean, Pakistan has just succumbed to the Taliban. The Bangladeshi Army is busy playing good cop-bad cop. The Lankan assault on the LTTE is still on. Cant ask for a better moment to hold a month long election. In 5 phases. Involving a billion people. Perfect timing.

Btw, Navin Chawla will take over as the next Chief Election Commissioner on April 20. Unlike Gopalaswami, Pratibha Patil can actually pull off the suo motu stunt.

And it aint gonna be cheap. Its going to come at a staggering cost of 10,000 crores! In other words, it’s the fiscal stimulus that never came in the interim budget. Clearly, the electoral process is more important than the result this year.

The Congress has drawn first blood. It has acquired exclusive rights to use the song ‘Jai Ho’ during campaigning. Not to be outdone, the BJP is buying a symbol of national pride of its own– Gandhiji’s blood test report that’s up for auction.