February 3rd : January 2007 – The Month that was…

Lets get started with the important stuff first…….

It’s official. Ash and Abhishek have finally admitted to the world that they are a couple and are engaged. (But Mani Ratnam still refuses to concede that ‘Guru’ is about the Ambanis – no one really knows why). Abhishek has been hopping from one temple to another with his beau to ward off the effects of certain external evil forces – or to put it differently, ALL THE OTHER GUYS IN THE COUNTRY!! Reports indicate that Salman Khan has borrowed an AK-47 from Sanju Dada and is headed towards the Bachan residence – and he aint plannin’ on shooting any blackbucks this time around!!!!!

We had Pongal this month. It’s a festival celebrating the farmer’s rich harvest of crops during the season……..unless of course, you are a farmer in Singur, West Bengal. Man! That’s been one heckuva controversy…….Mamta Banerjee fighting against the Tata’s plan to setup a plant in Singur and build their ambitious Rs.1 Lakh car. Mamta argued this is another one of those moral dilemmas facing each of us. Let me see- On the one hand, all these farmers in Singur lose their livelihood. On the other, I get to own a brand new car for next to nothing. Hmmm….seems like a win-win to me. In any case, Mamta decided that the best way to protest was a Satyagraha, which she ended once it became clear she had to go without having food…..

The Nithari killings. The whole country is in a state of shock. People are wondering where the hell was the law when all this was happening….Well, if only they spent more time tracking criminals and less time doing silly marches for the President on Republic Day. I don’t know why they continue to do this…..is anyone really impressed anymore? In any case, the chief cop in charge, SSP Rathore of Noida, has been shifted due to public pressure following his shoddy work in handling this affair. He is now headed to a district in Lucknow, where the government apparently is ok with young children being murdered. I mean, what’s THAT about? Just throw him out or put him in jail!! Along with Sidhu if possible. He can at least spend a few days in the cooler before Biti Mohanthy’s dad rescues him eventually, like he did with his son, from that jail in Rajasthan.

KBC 3 with Shah Rukh Khan is underway people!! Participants are faced with an immense choice – Is it worth winning the 2 crores if you have to sit and listen to Shan Rukh trying out his irritating, and slightly gayish, brand of “coolness” for an entire episode from right across the table??? In fact, ratings have been plummeting so fast that show’s producers are longing for the days of the Big B’s lifeless drone already……….Oh! And by the way, this season’s first winner – Shilpa Shetty. Who else? 🙂

As you have all heard by now, Shilpa Shetty has won the controversial ‘Big Brother’ reality TV show. The show is about a bunch of second-rate “celebrities” stuck in a house for a month and having to tolerate each other’s presence while staying in control. Wait a minute – shouldn’t Manmohan be winning an award as well? He has been handling the clowns in the Parliament for much longer. Interestingly, Shilpa was allegedly a victim of racism in the show, with an inmate calling her a bitch, an Indian ‘pappodom’, disgusting and so on. The line between being racist and being honest has just gotten thinner, innit? To ease her pain, she gets to win 400,000 pounds besides a Hollywood movie deal, a book deal, 2 Golden Globes, and the chance to make fun of Donald Trump’s hair without getting sued.

To give you an idea how big an amount that is – it’s only 248 million lesser than what David Beckham has been paid to move to LA Galaxy soccer team in the US. That’s right!! But football experts feel that it is a huge waste of money and could prove to be a massive liability. Not the move……. his hanging onto Posh Spice. Realistically speaking, Beckham will have minimal impact in the US with the majority of the sporting public ignoring him and his antics. Basically the same situation that existed in Real Madrid. What might be in his favour is his knowledge of the Spanish he picked up in Madrid- that will count for something in Los Angeles, where Espanola is the official language.

The 64th annual Golden Globes. As we all know, the Globes serve to indicate what’s likely to happen at the Oscars – specifically, which are the celebrities who are likely to make a gaffe with their fashion sense in a month’s time. This year also set quite a few records. For instance, more than 2,307 mothers were thanked, 35 winners forgot to mention their wives and Forest Whitaker kept saying ‘Wow..Wow’ for 2 straight minutes. ‘Babel’ starring Brad Pitt won the Best Movie award. It’s about how Pitt gets stuck in a place with people from different races and desperately struggles to understand their words. Not too different from a typical babysitting session at home for Brad, right? Scorcese won for Best Director which almost certainly means he has no chance at the Oscars. Everyone agrees on that. And Al Gore will be hoping to win at the Oscar’s for his documentary – which would be the first time he would win anything in America that involves voting.

Speaking of Gore, George Bush now has to face up to the fact that Nancy Pelosi is the first female Speaker of the Congress, or as he calls it, ‘An Inconvenient Truth’. Nancy re-iterated the need for Democrats and Republicans to work together in a bipartisan consensus- to which Bush remarked – ‘Sure, as long as it does not involve listening to YOU all day’!

Sad news. Legendary satirist Art Buchwald has passed away at the age of 81. You know what that means? – It leaves us with John Kerry as the only political humorist on the scene now. On the plus side for Bush, there is one less person mocking his latest brainwave to send more troops to Iraq. He dealt with these issues in his State of the Union address. He admitted that the administration had failed in the execution of their strategy in Iraq (all except the Saddam execution….that was properly carried out…..with video coverage and everything). He asked the 20 percent of the people who still have faith in him to be more patient. The rest of the country was watching the premiere of the latest season of American Idol instead.

The Australian Open. Where Andy Roddick was ruthlessly beaten in straight sets by Roger Federer. No wonder Jimmy Connors called it a Grand Slam. Andy has vowed to go back to the training ground and work even harder at his game so that he can be much fitter and focused when he loses to Roger the next time. Nadal once again proved that he develops feet of clay when he is playing on any other surface. On the women’s side, Serena shocked everyone by winning the title. She beat Sharapova in less than 60 minutes to leave her dad Yuri with too little time to help Maria with some illegal coaching from the Player’s box. If rumors about Venus also making a comeback are true, MaSha is more than willing to join Clijsters and retire from the sport by the end of next month. The doubles and mixed doubles events also took place. Since no one cared what happened there, they just drew lots to decide the winners. I somehow suspect Shilpa Shetty figured among the winners….don’t ask me how…..

And some other tidbits –

  • Novelist Sidney Sheldon has passed away at the age of 89. Now, he can actually find out what’s waiting on the other side of midnight.
  • Justine Henin has split from her husband and has decided to drop his name with immediate effect. Sure….there’s no Hardenne fast rule that she has to keep it anymore, right?
  • The WI tour of India. Sachin Tendulkar finally scored a masterful hundred after 45 matches and made his critics eat their words. If you recall, they had boldly claimed that Sachin would go 46 matches without scoring a single hundred.


  1. Wow! I mean, wow. No really, wow! Wow!…ok, I was trying to do a Forest Whittaker but couldn’t keep it on for more than ten seconds! Whew!

    But seriously, your blog is the coolest one I have read in recent times. I was laughing all the way! Some seriously funny stuff 🙂




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