The country is gearing up for the wedding of the century. Abhishek and Aishwarya. Ahead of the wedding, the Bachchan residence resembles a fortress. Absolute secrecy. Most of the Mumbai police have dropped their regular duties and are positioned around the house to guard agaisnt intruders. “We Bachchans always value our privacy. We are really keen on keeping the media out of the wedding. Only then, we can sell exclusive rights to the wedding pics and videos to ‘Hello’ magazine for the maximum price. We hope everybody respects our feelings in this regard and extends their co-operation” – said Amitabh Bachchan in a candid statement to the press recently. In this context, the recent appearance of Jaya Bachchan on the chat show ‘Koffee with Karan’ generated lot of buzz. She, of course, made the expected statements about Aish being the ideal wife for Abhishek, everything being rosy and happy and so on. We know she is lying through her teeth. But to what extent? As it turned out, she had an informal chat with Karan after the shooting was over. But apparently, the camera was still rolling and what follows was caught on tape. It offers an insight into what are the actually state of affairs……read on….
Karan Johar : But Didi, I remember you saying the same thing about Karishma Kapoor four years back. That she was perfect for the family…
Jaya Bachchan : But I was on camera then as well, wasn’t I?
Karan : Right. You ARE good. So now that we are off-camera, tell me honestly, sach batao– are you really happy with Rani as your bahu?
Jayaji : Of course I am Karan. Rani is such a lovable person. She is so dignified, respectful towards elders and….wait a minute!!
Karan : Hahahaha……got you!!!!!!
Jayaji : Saala! I meant Aishwarya, not Rani……..
Karan : Am sure you did. Am sure you did. I told you Didi, we are off-camera. Feel free to talk your mind…….
Jayaji : What do you want me say, Karan? That she has brought nothing to the Bachchan khandaan apart from star tantrums, trigger-happy ex-boyfriends and a massively screwed up horoscope? Is that what you want me to say??
Karan : Not in as many words. But am glad you brought it up yourself. What’s up with the horoscope thingy? Am reading all sorts of stories in the papers…
Jayaji : Oh! Don’t even ask!! It’s been more of a horror-scope as far as I am concerned. My family astrologer says that she’s born under a poorly placed Mars. And if we go ahead with the wedding, he warns us that Abhishek will go bald within 6 months, or their first-born child will be a hobbit!!
Karan : Bilbo Bachchan!! Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? 😉
Jayaji : Karan…..mazaak mat kar!!!
Karan : Ok ok……no more kidding. Haven’t you guys been going crazy visiting all sorts of temples in the last few months to set that right?
Jayaji : Oh yeah……very strenuous. Besides, we Bachchans are not used to worshipping anything apart from ourselves. So, it’s been trying, yes…
Karan : And what is this that I hear? About the wedding being a very private affair?
Jayaji : It’s true. Going to be a very personal, intimate, family occasion. The wedding party will consist of 15 people at the most. Abhishek, Kareena and 13 representatives from ‘Hello’ magazine.
Karan : Aishwar…
Jayaji : Yes yes. Aishwarya. Pyaari si Aishwarya.
Karan : What about you and Amitji?
Jayaji : I have a facial appointment that day. And Amitji will be out shooting a Cadbury’s ad. You know, the ‘Kuch meetha ho jaaye’ one. We can always take a look at the pics later,no?
Karan : Absolutely. And I know its silly….but Salman? Heard some silly rumours that he might be part of the event?
Jayaji : Actually, that’s true. We are thinking of leaving him at the gates, with a couple of AK-47s. He is borrowing them from Sanju. That should keep the pepper-faces at bay.
Karan : Kya? Oh!! Papparazzis……
Jayaji : Haan….wohi.
Karan : By the way, am I invited?
Jayaji : Do you work for ‘Hello’ magazine?
Karan : Theek hai Daadi maa. Looks like you have your priorities sorted out. And how much have sold the rights to the wedding pics for? Heard it was $ 8 million?
Jayaji : What!!!!!! I clearly instructed Amitabh not to negotiate for anything less than 10 mill……but then again, it’s not about the money. It’s about Abhishek’s and Priety’s special day.
Karan : You mean Aishwarya.
Jayaji : Hey Ram!!. I keep doing that!!
Karan : As long as it’s you and not Abhishek. What about sceptics who claim that this whole wedding is just an elaborate excercise in building “Brand Bachchan”?
Jayaji : Its nothing of that sort. Let me tell you something boy. Abhishek, Amitji and Ayesh……tsk, tsk – and Aishwarya are worth 700 crores at the moment in terms of the movies and endorsements riding on them. You got that? 700 Crores!!! We are hoping that this number will double once the marriage takes place and the happy couple can endorse products together.
Karan : But….but thats what I said…..enhancing brand bachchan…..
Jayaji : Oh……is that what you meant?
Karan : Moving on….Didi…..can I ask you something very personal? Given that you are focused on developing a brand around the family, how much of a concern is the fact that Abhishek and Aish don’t have a cool celebrity-couple nickname yet?
Jayaji : You mean like TomKat….or Branjelina?
Karan : Exactly! AbhiAsh is the best they have come up with so far. And it sucks, to be honest.
Jayaji : You dont think we are aware of that?? We are roping in the best numerologists from around the world to fix that. We have a couple of ideas so far. If we change Aishwarya’s second name to Raimilk,with milk silent of course, then we could call them Milk-shek. Alternatively, if we can add a silent Tr before Abhi’s name, we could call them TrAsh. We are looking at it from other angles as well.
Karan : I hope that works out. Tell me something. Will Sushmita work in films after the wedding? Am sure you were not happy with her kiss with Hrithik in Dhoom-2?
Jayaji : Very funny chotu. It depends on Aish. And whether she finds her co-star hot. I was not too thrilled about the kiss though. In my days, I could never imagine kissing Amitji before we were a married couple….
Karan : Lets face it. You could hardly reach that high to kiss him in the first place. Even with heels. It must have been a tall order for you, na?
Jayaji : Nevermind that. This generation…..You know, all I wanted for my son was the best girl in the whole world. That’s all.
Karan : The best?
Jayaji : Yes, the best.
Karan : You mean, Mallika Sherawat? Did she turn down Abhishek?
Jayaji : I don’t even understand why she………but Hey hey hey!!! Dint you call me Daadi maa sometime back??? I think you did too…..How dare you!!! I am only 59……come here, you brat!!!
At this point Karan scrambles away from the scene with Jayaji in hot pursuit………