Headlines: 4th January, 2009

A sweet story from Warsaw. A Polish man is divorcing his wife after he visited a brothel and spotted her among the establishment’s employees. They’re still arguing over who is allowed to take the moral high ground on this one.

When you think about it, this incident is an allegorical representation of what’s happening in Gaza. The man (US/Israel) initially married this woman (Hamas) just to piss off his ex-girlfriend (PLO). With time, he found other women more attractive (Saudi, Egypt, Turkey) and ignored his wife. She, in turn, started sleeping around with other men (Iran, Syria) for the money. One fine day, the man walks into the brothel and demands that his wife stop firing rockets into his bedroom. Something like that.

After the security failures in Bombay and Assam, the UPA has a new strategy to fight terrorism – Get others to do the actual grunt work. Yep. We are openly asking Sri Lanka to hand over Prabhakaran, if they somehow manage to nab him.

This is a worrying trend. We want Pakistan to hand us the leaders of the LeT and Jaish-e-Mohammad. Now, we’ve asked Sri Lanka to drop off Prabhakaran. Adds a whole new dimension to passive-aggressive behavior, eh?

So far, only the US has come forward in terms of offering to hand over terrorists. The bad news – it’s the chaps from Guantanamo Bay that nobody else wants.

Concomitantly, India is stepping up all possible diplomatic efforts to unite the international community against Pakistan. To be on the safe side, we’ve hired the team from Ghajini to handle the marketing campaign for our case.

Some good news. Sheikh Hasina has assured us that she’ll absolutely not allow terrorists to set up any camps / training grounds in Bangladesh. ‘That’s what Bengal is for’ she added, tongue-in-cheek.

MS Dhoni continues to receive extortion threats. The police are on top of the situation – seems they know the perpetrator’s name, face, family and favorite sushi joint. So everybody relax. They’ll get the job done.

Its not just Dhoni. Wipro and Infy have received threatening emails as well. The messages have been traced to certain Satyam shareholders. They are demanding that Infy acquire General Motors and Chrysler.

The Governors of the USA’s 50 states are urging the federal government to provide $1 Trillion to bail them out during the recession. Great. After Wall Street and Detroit, it’s the 50 states asking the Fed for aid. Their argument is that they fall under the ‘too big to fail’ bracket as well.

This is amazing. Rocket company SpaceX is mulling a supersonic spacecraft to ferry people to Mars and get them settled there. Finally, some light at the end of the tunnel for the thousands of Americans who’s homes got foreclosed last year.

On New Year’s Eve, an Indian mission embarked on an expedition to Antarctica. Given that we’ve handled the recession back home so well, surely we can afford to devote resources to study recessions in polar glaciers?

The research team from Brigham Young University has “discovered” that restrained eating helps women avoid weight problems as they age. No kidding. You know, we can make the recession work for us. By cutting off funding to such projects.


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