Headlines: Malaysian Airline MH370 Update

Day 11: Latest update on the search for the missing Malaysian Flight MH370*

*Refer to update on Day 1

In today’s press briefing, the Malaysian Prime Minister kept up the theme of constant denials and contradictions from his govt by claiming there never was a MH370. He accused international news organizations and search crews of binge-watching too much ‘Lost’ on Netflix.

Many suspect the Malaysian govt of deliberate misinformation and foul play. They are vehemently denying it. I believe them. Its not like the Malaysians have a thriving illegal migrant trade routed through their airports or anything. Nothing to hide.

Lots of theories on what happened. The latest, based on radar data, claims the plane flew North as far as Kazakhstan. Another scenario based on the same radar data indicates its somewhere South in the Indian Ocean. A baffling paradox? Not if you know your physics. Its a simple case of Schroedinger’s Plane.

Rupert Murdoch tweeted out loud that he believes the plane has been hijacked and hidden safely in North Pakistan (much like bin Laden). Wolf Blitzer on CNN reacted by saying this theory was not wildly speculative enough to bring Rupert on CNN as an “expert”.

On re-reading his tweet the next day, Murdoch wrote a follow-up wishing he had tweeted something less embarrassing to the entire world, like a bunch of dick pics under the pseudonym ‘Carlos Danger’.

Despite the two Iranians with fake passports on board, terrorism has been more or less ruled out as a possibility. I don’t know who is more disappointed – the Ayatollah Khamenei or Fox News.

Since MH370 could have flown for 2,200 nautical miles from its last known position, it had a potential 364 runways in 26 different countries to land in. On a positive note, Vladimir Putin has already sent thousands of Russian troops to Ukraine to inspect and cross it off the list. 1 down. 25 more to go.

With no other leads, the focus is on the pilots. Chief pilot Zaharie Shah is suspected of hijacking the plane as a protest against the ruling party. Only people with no political beliefs or core convictions whatsoever should fly planes from now on. On the downside, this just leaves us with the population of Switzerland. And Manmohan Singh.

His co-pilot, Fariq Hamid, has been known to bring women into the cockpit for fun on previous flights. Despite the obvious security risks, any young Muslim man driving a plane who seeks the company of virgins on earth as opposed to the afterlife is fine by me.

With the search expanded to the Andaman sea, India has joined in the hunt as well. The Malaysian govt called it a welcome development – ‘We know people are saying there is no way the search effort could have been handled more incompetently or shoddily than we have so far. We are quite confident they will be made to eat their words soon’.

India has thrown in an astrologer in the mix to “help”, which has led to plenty of ridicule. Mostly from people who dismissed the idea as absurd in the age of satellites, radar etc. Instead, they have been fervently “praying” to their favorite deity for divine intervention. Much more rational.

Meanwhile, China has urged Malaysia to be more open in sharing information accurately and in a timely manner. Ouch! You know you are in trouble when the Chinese are demanding you be more transparent.

In a desperate measure, a Shaman performed rituals at Kuala Lumpur airport with coconuts, a magic stick and carpet. On the bright side, whatever the witch doctor mumbled at those coconuts arguably made more sense than the Malaysian government’s official statements.

Since everyone has a theory on what happened, here’s mine- ‘At 165 million square kms in area, the Pacific Ocean covers about 50% of the Earth’s water surface and about 1/3rd of its total surface area’. Much larger than the average swimming pool, you know.

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8 comments

  1. Loved it. This prompted me to write at least something on my wall cos all i see on my facebook is ignorance. find below my rant.

    Regarding MH 370:
    An emergency locator transmitter (ELT) is set to go off on impact and will transmit at 121.5 Mhz. Newer GPS based systems also transmit at 406Mhz. Now for planes that fly across vast spans of water there are two main factors that apply here . ETOPS and the ELT. ETOPS is the rating of a two engine plane to fly extended distances in the condition one of the engines fail. The Boeing 777 can be ETOPS rated to go from 180 mins to 240 mins. So in the case there was an engine failure, the plane can really handle it self and fly in whichever direction it did.
    With the ELT, it is supposed to go off on impact, or when it fills with water. The puzzle here is that the ELT has not gone off. So no way to pin point the crash site. Also even if there is an explosion, parts of the aircraft can stand enormous temperatures and pressures, none of those are floating around either. So if there are false positives and no ELT beacon, it makes it difficult to pinpoint the position of the aircraft.
    Mostly this is one of those situations where something has happened and the ELT has failed to release (like the infamous Alaksa air MD tail incident). Which means that data from this incident will be taken (when found) and the ELT will be redesigned and applied universally. Especially on all wide body ETOPS planes.
    Then again, if the passengers are alive somewhere, there is no better end to this incident

    Like

    1. Haha! BTW, Pakistan stated its radar did not detect the plane. ROFL! The US Seals got in and got out after killing Bin Laden and they did not detect anything. So yeah, we believe they did not detect the plane. BUT, we will also not be surprised if the plane is found parked next to their military training center

      Like

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