Headlines: 19th March, 2014

Day 12 MH370 update: CNN’s flight simulator guy has been locked up in there for so long that he has asked the backstage crew to smuggle him a bible, a hammer and a Rita Hayworth poster.

Drama! Turns out the Thai military also picked up radar data from the plane but waited for a week to release the information. When asked why, Air Marshall Montol explained that his team had to cut themselves off from all external communication to avoid ‘True Detective’ finale spoilers.  

It has been revealed that the co-pilot’s last words from the cockpit were ‘all right, good night’. This has investigators very concerned. Even more ominous was the next bombshell that the air-hostesses had performed a safety demo for emergency water landings before take-off. What did they know??

More dirt on the pilots. There is now a picture circulating of the chief pilot Zaharie Shah wearing a t-shirt with a political slogan susceptible to misinterpretation- “If you like your plan(e), you can keep it”.

Despite a coalition of 25 countries, search efforts by international military teams have been haphazard and confused. Understandably so. They are not trained for operations of this nature. If only their mission was to bomb some Middle East country into rubble. A pity.

CNN’s obsessive, over-the-top vacuous coverage of the missing plane has drawn widespread criticism. As a last resort, desperate protesters in Crimea, Syria and Venezuela are planning to hijack a NASA rocket and fly it to the moon for CNN to acknowledge their existence.

Somewhat surprisingly, CNN has missed out on the juicy Oscar Pistorius trial as well.  He continued to stubbornly claim he mistakenly shot his girlfriend thinking she was a burglar. The sobbing began after the judge reminded him that defense only works in Florida.

Update on Crimea. The US has imposed weak sanctions on Russia which Putin has laughed off. When John Kerry was asked what counted as success for the sanctions, he said – ‘If we can cripple their economy enough to get Snowden fired from his fulltime job, we’ll take it’.

As expected, the Crimea referendum results showed 97% of the population voted ‘YES’ for the motion. However, closer inspection of the voting booths revealed serious irregularities. The question on the ballot was actually ‘Should David Moyes be fired with immediate effect as the manager of Manchester United?’

Economists predict that Russia may have to spend about $30 billion over the next decade to support the economically backward Crimean region. When he heard about it, Mark Zuckerberg posted a status update calling it a fantastic bargain.

Zuckerberg rationalized the costly WhatsApp purchase by arguing it gave him much-needed access to millions of teenagers who were deserting his service. One can imagine thousands of Catholic priests across the world nodding their heads in agreement at this line of thought.

The Facebook CEO also called up President Obama to voice his complaints about the NSA. He conveyed his strong conviction to Obama that violating the privacy rights of billions of people is only morally admissible in the critical pursuit of delivering targeted ads.

Toronto will be having elections later this year to try and replace its controversial Mayor, Rob Ford. All the other candidates have agreed to use the same campaign slogan – ‘To watch a freak show in Toronto, go to the Cirque de Soleil’.

Yet another video has emerged showing Rob Ford drunk and slobbering. His brother shrugged it off saying no one cared if Rob had 10 beers if he did his job well. Fair enough. When Rob is sober, he really really wants to install a giant Ferris Wheel in the middle of downtown.

Stephen Hawking stunned the scientific community recently by declaring that according to quantum theory, there is no such thing as a black hole. His statement has been greeted with a great degree of skepticism and denial. Mostly by Bitcoin investors.

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