Headlines: March 25th, 2014

If you are in NYC this week, make sure you check out its latest tourist attraction that is drawing more traffic than Times Square or most porn sites. The top of the new WTC building.

Yep. After last week’s teen who sneaked past security, a group of base jumpers released a YouTube clip of them leaping off the top of the World Trade Center at night. Sure. Because if there is one thing New Yorkers really need, it is to randomly look up and see mysterious dark objects flying around the WTC building.

The Crimea fallout. The US got Russia kicked out of the G8 yesterday. In retaliation, America was thrown out of the USSR by Putin. Both moves are expected to roughly have the same impact on each country.

Obama also warned Russia that he was ready to impose more penalties if it kept up the aggression. For starters, Putin and his cabinet ministers would be barred from signing up for Obamacare.

Obama was recently on Zack Galifianakis’ show on FunnyorDie.com to promote Obamacare among youngsters. Bill O’Reilly criticized him claiming Abraham Lincoln wouldn’t have done something like this. Ha! Lincoln was watching a three-act farce in a theater when he was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth. He is better positioned than most ex-Presidents to relate to the concept of Funny or Die.

Meanwhile, Michelle Obama is on a trip to China pushing ‘soft diplomacy’ via innocuous clichés about human rights, press freedoms etc that are not really expected to make much of a difference. She has also been practicing drawing red lines in the sand as preparation for the trip.

It wasn’t all bad. After her husband’s battles with the Palin’s and the Romney’s for the Presidency, she told the Chinese she now understood and appreciated their one-child policy.

Mrs. Obama will actually have a unique distinction from this trip. She will be the first American woman to leave China with the same number of kids she came in with.

The football world cup in Qatar is in doubt after it was revealed that a senior FIFA official received $1.2 million in bribes. Just so we are clear, this is a country that doesn’t think twice about casually blowing $250 million on a painting. The real scandal is they were only extorted a million dollars in bribes.

You know what’s an easy job? Being the Editor of the NYT in Pakistan. On Sunday’s paper, the entire front page was just a blank sheet.

Apparently, the article blanked out was a lengthy report on what Pakistan knew about bin Laden and the support he got from the ISI and Taliban. Really? If this is breaking news to anyone, Assange and Snowden must consider themselves failures and explore other career options.

Bernie Madoff has confessed in an interview that JPMorgan executives knew all about his criminal activities for years but kept quiet as he brought in a lot of money. In other words, this is the Wall Street version of the Pakistani ISI keeping bin Laden safe in Abbottabad before the raid.

Madoff also warned investors to protect their money and stay away from the stock market. This is not unlike God giving Noah the heads up to start building an Ark five years after unleashing the massive flood that had already drowned the entire world.

Pope Francis has issued a stern warning to the Italian mafia that they are “going to hell” unless they change their ways. When asked how they would recognize hell, the Pope pointed out most members of his Vatican would be there too.

On the other hand, by repenting and living a pure life, the Pope said we can create a heaven here on earth. Right on cue, Starbucks announced it will also be serving wine and beer in its coffee shops from April.

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