Christian Couple Log Off the Internet for Weeks to Avoid ‘Noah’ Spoilers

(Hat-tip: The Onion for all the laughs over the years)

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Mark and Angela Shepherd, a devoted Christian couple from Amarillo, Texas have reportedly cut themselves off all forms of media and contact with human beings for the last 2 months to avoid spoilers for the upcoming Hollywood blockbuster ‘Noah’.

Claiming they are “slow readers”, the couple is still working their way through the first few chapters of the Book of Genesis, where God has just expelled Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden. Angela gushed -‘This is a really exciting development. We can’t wait to see where the story goes from here’. Mark added -‘Admittedly, we’re still at the part where Eve is talking to snakes in the garden and God has taken roughly 48 hours to cobble together the entirety of the known Universe. We are praying the movie stays firmly grounded in that kind of reality based narrative and is not some silly Hollywood fantasy.’

‘Noah’ is, of course, an adaptation of the beloved children’s fairy tale classic, ‘The Bible’, which has proven to be surprisingly popular among adults (much like the Harry Potter series). From the outset, the movie has been embroiled in controversy over creative liberties and deviations from the original text. For instance, the movie shows Noah gathering more than a handful of chicken and a dozen cows into the ship. Director Darren Aronofsky justified it arguing -‘We just figured Noah was on a longish trip and would want to have a nice dinner every now and then.’ He also deflected criticism over Russell Crowe portraying the 900-year Noah from the Bible as a ruggedly handsome 35-year old. ‘Go to talk his publicist. He’s the one to blame for that’ – Aronofsky fumed. Another notable oddity was God’s instruction for Noah to build a ship strong enough to conduct search operations in the notoriously rough seas of the remote Southern Indian Ocean. “You’ll know what I mean some day”, God says mysteriously in the voice over.

Murmurs from the Vatican indicated the Pope was not too impressed with the movie and had dismissed it as being ‘not as good as the book’. However, the Pontiff ultimately granted his blessings after Russell Crowe agreed to take a selfie with him.

When asked about their expectations from the rest of the Bible, Mark confessed -‘I can’t wait for the dinosaurs to make an appearance, to be honest’. Angela had other concerns. ‘We are finding the Old Testament quite complex so far’ she lamented with a sigh. ‘If only God had given us a short bullet-point list of instructions to live our lives by. Something incredibly simplistic and easy for impressionable kids to memorize. That would have been a blessing’.

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