Following a dismal season that has seen Manchester United languishing in the middle of the Premier League table, the Board of Directors have fired head coach David Moyes with immediate effect and replaced him with the newly unveiled statue of Sir Alex Ferguson at Old Trafford.
The club confirmed that the Statue, which was installed outside the stadium in Nov 2012, has been appropriately offered a 26-year contract. A short statement on the club’s official website said -‘Since David Moyes was signed on a 6-year deal despite his total lack of a winning mentality or experience in handling big clubs, we felt compelled to give the Statue an even longer contract’.
Encouragingly, Sir Alex Ferguson has extended his support for the Statue -‘I like that he is of Scottish origin. As you all know, that is pretty much the only quality I look for in a United manager’. The departing manager Moyes was suitably dejected. ‘I understand that the Board and the fans are cross with me. And you certainly don’t cross Sir Alex or his Statue at this club. I guess I’ll be OK. It’s just another cross I have to bear’ he said, confirming his ill-advised love for crosses yet again.
An online poll of United fans following this shock move showed that an overwhelming majority (75%) fully backed the Fergie Statue as the new gaffer. Other top picks were Jose Mourinho (8%), Pep Guardiola (7%), Fergie’s racehorse (4%) and Toronto’s crack-mayor Rob Ford (3%). Incredibly, 2% of the fans still backed David Moyes, although this group comprised solely of 85-year old season-ticket holders who are under the impression the season is yet to start.
Speaking for the dressing room, a visibly excited Wayne Rooney said that the new manager was “someone who was firmly grounded, with a solid head on his shoulders and a spine of steel”, not realizing he had also perfectly described the structural composition of the Statue through his annoying sports clichés.
An FA spokesperson said that referees are delighted at the prospect of finally being able to officiate in matches where Fergie will have his mouth firmly shut at the touchline. In return, the refs promised to resume their long-standing policy of adding generous injury time at the end of United games, a critical contributor to many of the Red Devils’ title-winning campaigns.
Along expected lines, celebrity Gunners fan Piers Morgan sent out a regretful tweet: “Another glorious chance squandered to sign a real winner to manage Arsenal. #WengerOut”