Headlines: April 10th, 2014

The Election Commission of India needs to issue the following public service announcement – If your Election lasts more than 4 days, please call a doctor.

Yep. India’s elections involving nearly a billion people takes over a month to finish voting. On the other hand, look what happened in Crimea. It had snap elections completed in a few hours and now they have no McDonald’s anymore. Disaster.

The Indian democratic process is a largely pointless and wastefully expensive undertaking since votes are typically cast on the basis of caste and religion. The only purpose it serves is to make us wonder if China and North Korea are doing something right after all.

Ukraine update. Putin has now amassed an enormous 40,000 troops on the Ukranian border claiming it’s an act of “self-defense”. When he heard about it, even Oscar Pistoruis was like ‘Dude, seriously?’

Russia is also threatening to cut off gas supplies to Europe in response to the weak sanctions and G8 expulsion. And we all thought the Afghanistan war was an over-reaction to 9/11…

The latest on MH370. Chinese ships may have picked up pings from the black box of the missing plane, which has raised people’s expectations. There hasn’t been this much fuss over pings and last-seen-at updates since Facebook bought Whatsapp.

A silver lining? Search crews have picked up so much floating waste and garbage from the Indian Ocean thinking its plane debris that Greenpeace is now telling CNN that Amelia Earhart’s plane is somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

Comic book character and teen favorite Archie Andrews is going to die in the upcoming issue. Fox News is reporting that Archie’s existing insurance plan was cancelled due to Obamacare.

One of the key architects of Obamacare – Kathleen Sibelius – is going to lose her job due to the botched rollout last year. Unfortunately for her, that’s one pre-existing condition that is apparently not covered by the law.

It does seem oddly fitting though. Sibelius somehow got to keep her job despite the disastrous website launch last year and is now getting fired when the site has miraculously exceeded its targets.

This is big. A woman hurled a shoe at Hillary Clinton during a speech in Las Vegas yesterday. In other words, move over Ted Cruz and Chris Christie. We have a new frontrunner for the 2016 Republican nominee for President.

Hope you are sitting down for this. Ex-President George Bush is now a painter. He just held an art exhibition of 30 portraits at the Presidential Center. The next time you visit The Louvre, remind yourself that Bush is likely to sell more paintings than Van Gogh did in his lifetime.

When asked what his biggest challenge was in learning to paint, Bush said that he found it quite tricky to properly hold the paintbrush. You know, because of all the blood on his hands.

A security flaw in Internet encryption has been reported – called Heartbleed – that may have let hackers steal all kinds of sensitive user data for the last 2 years. Oh boy. Between this, the NSA snooping and FaceBook selling our data to advertisers, we as a society these days have less privacy than a Pamela Anderson sex tape.

There is some good news though. For men, that is. Experts have reassured us that when we delete our Internet browser history, it is definitely gone. Phew.

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