Commentary

Exxon Urgently Digging for Oil in Central African Republic to Create Business Case for Intervention

As you may have read in the papers, the situation in the Central African Republic is threatening to descend into total chaos. Mass slaughter and ethnic cleansing are likely if there is no international intervention. How will the US respond to this humanitarian crisis coming on the heels of the 20th anniversary of the Rwandan genocide? This is how the conversation between key figures in the White House is likely to go-

People in the room: President Obama, Vice-President Joe Biden, Secretary of State John Kerry and Obama’s daughter Malia.

Obama: If that’s everything, I need to leave for Malia’s school play now.

Kerry: Mr. President, there is one more thing on the agenda.

Obama: What is it? I thought we covered everything.

Kerry: It’s the civil war in the Central African Republic.

Obama: Can’t it wait?

Kerry: I suppose. It’s not like a few more thousand dead due to sectarian violence in Africa is going to make much of a difference at this point.

Obama: Alright then. Have a good evening, gentlemen.

Kerry: I was kidding Sir.

Obama: So was I? Let’s talk about it then. Can one of you quickly fill me in?

Biden: That’s what she said!

[Biden gets a glare from the President and quietly sinks into his seat]

Malia: Let’s go daddy.

Obama: In a minute, sweetheart. Go on, John.

Kerry: Our diplomats tell me that we could be looking at another genocide like Rwanda here.

Malia: What’s a genocide?

Biden: Well, Malia. A genocide or a holocaust is when something really bad happens to Jewish people. And we can never have that again. Never. But this is OK since it is happening in Africa.

Kerry: That’s not true. It’s also OK when it’s happening in Burma or Syria or China or North Korea or Chechnya or….

Obama: Thank you, both. What happened in Rwanda 20 years ago was a terrible event like 9/11, Malia. We can’t have another Rwanda just like we can’t have another 9/11. Do you understand?

Kerry: (coughs) Ahem. Actually Mr. President, I would phrase it differently. We will do everything humanly possible to not have another 9/11.

Obama: And Rwanda?

Kerry: Well, it would be quite nice if we dint have another Rwanda. But it’s not up to us, really.

Biden: (at Kerry) Where is this country anyway?

Obama: Yeah, where could a country named the Central African Republic be located? Why don’t you look it up on Google Maps and stop interrupting us. John, what do you recommend? Deploy boots on the ground?

Kerry: Already done, Sir. We have over 500 fine folks from Exxon Mobil digging for oil in the country as we speak.

Obama: Oh. I meant troops.

Kerry: We can’t send troops till we find oil first. That’s a bedrock principle of our foreign policy.

Obama: Seriously?

Kerry: I don’t make the rules. Deploying troops is expensive. They are to be used only if we have strategic assets to acquire or protect. Like oil reserves, mineral deposits, shipping routes etc.

Obama: Fair enough. But don’t we have like 150,000 troops stationed around the world? Can’t we move some of them to this country?

Kerry: Not exactly. Those men only serve a symbolic purpose.  Show and intimidation.

Obama: But Putin just invaded Crimea!

Biden: And I bet he was really intimidated while doing it.

[Obama and Kerry glare at Biden]

Obama: Fine. We’ll just send in some drones then. Cheap and easy.

Kerry: I don’t know about that. It’s risky. We could end up killing lots of innocent civilians.

Biden: So what? It’s not like anybody here wants to win another Nobel Peace Prize or anything.

Obama: Can’t we re-classify the civilians posthumously as terrorists like we do in Pakistan and Yemen?

Kerry: Maybe. I am more concerned about the precedent it would set. We can’t have impoverished countries assuming that the US will intervene each time there is a genocide. It would be highly irresponsible on our part to encourage that kind of thinking.

Obama: So we just sit back and watch the horror unfold?

Biden: The good news is, we don’t have to watch. CNN is not going to give up on the Malaysian plane anytime soon.

Kerry: We just ask the UN to handle it. Standard operating procedure.

Obama: But the UN is not capable of handling this.

Kerry: Obviously not. But they issue statements, move a few soldiers around, transfer diplomats. The UN is good at conveying the impression that someone else is doing something about it. That’s the sole reason for its existence really.

Obama: So you just want me donate $100 when I get a call from UNICEF and get back to guessing where that plane is on Facebook?

Biden: Yes. And the best part is – that $100 is tax deductible.

Obama: I don’t know, something about this isn’t right. Aren’t we morally obligated to act?

Kerry: I can see why you might think that. But morals are complicated. Keep in mind that the Pope and the Catholic Church have already killed millions of Africans by ordering them not to use condoms.

Obama: (sighing) But surely we have to do something?

Biden: How about we buy a few red iPod’s for Christmas gifts this year?

Obama: I need an idea that doesn’t involve any real financial or military support but still shows we care just a little bit?

[They all look at each other for a few seconds. Then they smile and nod.]

Obama: Get me Angelina Jolie on the phone.

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“Everybody Calm the F**k Down” – A letter to shareholders from Mark Zuckerberg

(Note: It is possible Mr. Zuckerberg was quite drunk and/or moody whilst posting this on his Facebook account around midnight yesterday. It has since been deleted and replaced with this.)

Zuckerberg

I was really excited last week to have completed the acquisition of mobile messaging service Whatsapp. All the formalities were done and I was on my well-deserved vacation in Cabo with my beautiful wife Priscilla. The last people I wanted to hear from at that moment were our corporate lawyers and PR team. They were insistent that I make some kind of formal statement to our shareholders explaining the rationale behind the buy-out to calm them down. Apparently, 19 billion is a lot of money to some people. I couldn’t believe my ears.

I’ll just come out and say it. Blood suckers, all of you! I took this company from nothing to the $170 billion global empire it is today. No thanks to any of you. I’m worth 28 billion. With a B. I have a movie made about my life that won Oscars and Golden Globes and shit. And suddenly, I have to explain every trivial business decision I make? Every three months, I am expected to bend over backwards just because you are waving a piece of paper that says you’re a “shareholder”? God, I miss the days before we went public! I blame Sheryl for that one. She got me into this mess and now spends most of her time talking with Oprah and trying to ban words. Jesus!

Anyway. You want to know why? Here’s why. My vision for Facebook is to make the whole world more connected and….you know what, screw it. I did it to fuck with Google, OK? That’s why. Just to mess with their little brains. I had this deal tied into a neat little knot for way less – around 10 billion – before Larry stuck his fugly head in to the mix and tried to fuck me over. I can’t let that happen. So I threw in 10 billion more. Mind you, we still got em on the cheap. I was ready to go as high as 43 billion.

How did I arrive at 43 billion? Call it a sixth sense. Or whatever. I know, OK? I am the CEO for a reason. I make these calls and I make em right. I was having drinks with Jeff Bezos the other day and he confessed he basically pulled the $79 Amazon Prime pricing out of his ass. And look how well it worked out for him. No messing about with spreadsheets and balance sheets. That’s how we roll.

Sure, we bought Whatsapp for its 450 million teenager user base. Sure, we paid 42 dollars for each of them. Are they worth it? Of course not. Most teens are not worth the piece of gum they just spat out. Trust me, I hate teenagers as much as the rest of you. They are fickle and horny and smell like soy sauce. I should know. I used to be one. But for whatever reason, advertisers and Catholic priests really love them. Left us with no choice really. On the upside, they don’t give a rats ass about privacy or the NSA snooping. Bless their Bieber-loving hearts! No one can tell me why but for the last three years, they were leaving FB in droves and moving to Whatsapp. But now that we bought it, I expect they will stick with us forever and ever. I mean, why wouldn’t they?

I am aware a lot of you out there want to call me an imbecile. A moron. That I overpaid. Grossly overpaid. For a startup that is valued higher than most S&P 500 companies but has no business model or monetization potential. I know you do. Especially all you hacks calling yourselves “analysts” and journalists. But you can’t. I built the biggest social network the world has ever known and y’all work for free in a dying business. So most of you jumped on board with your laughable post-facto rationalizations. Called it a strategic maneuver. Protecting my territory. Demographics. Whatever. But in your cowardly little hearts, you know you want to call me a fool. You want to scream TECH BUBBLE. But you don’t have the balls to do it. That’s the best part. LOL. I’ve proven you wrong before and you’re shitting your pants I will somehow do it again. Y’all thought FB was massively overvalued during our IPO and we’re now trading at twice that price. Let’s face it. You took my side on this one just to protect your own asses. Doesn’t matter. I don’t expect your puny little minds to understand real genius anyway.  Would you ask Einstein to explain relativity to a bunch of blathering baboons?

What’s that? Steve Jobs was the genius? Oh really? Last time I checked, Apple shares were trading at 13X its earnings and 8X its cash flow. And FB? At 111X its earnings and 41X the cash flow. We don’t even make anything. And never will. Who’s laughing now, Appletards?

I mean, look at our so-called competitors. They are a fucking mess. Microsoft is still wondering if it should get into mobile. Sergei is busy chasing interns and screwing up his marriage. Tim Cook is making poor Jony design plastic phones. In shiny colours. Jony fucking Ive. Making plastic fucking phones. What a waste. Jeff is eating cockroaches and running Amazon as a not-for-profit enterprise. Losers.

I’ve always had a grand vision for this company. Well….not always, I guess. I created FB to rate girls from my dorm room but that’s how all big ideas come about. I read somewhere that Gandhi got his fasting protest idea when he had no money to buy dinner one night. And look where it got him. Toppled the British Empire and shit. Or take my man Putin. He went into Crimea knowing fully well it’s a piece of shit real estate. It’s going to cost him billions to maintain. Its tanking the Russian economy. A nightmare. But he did it anyway. Just to make a statement. Made Obama look like a chump, dint he? That’s what leaders do. We make the tough decisions. Do I really need Whatsapp? No. I don’t. Do I feel good that Whatsapp is now worth more than Sony? Not at all. Makes me sick to my stomach. But I can’t let Google win. No way in hell. Not on my watch.

Here’s the bottomline. Take a chill pill. Let me work my magic. Y’all can show up at the end of every quarter to collect your money for doing nothing. Think you can handle that? 19B is a lot? Go talk to Google. They just blew 12 billion on Motorola and no one gave a fuck. Youtube is still bleeding money. Life goes on. I got this, OK? Totes. Good night, bitches.