The Onion

France passes new law making it mandatory for men to spend weekends with their mistresses

Following up on a law that bans employees from checking emails after work hours, France has passed another stunning piece of legislation that has made it mandatory for men to spend weekends and public holidays with their mistresses.

Explaining the rationale behind this law, Minister Thierry Braillard said –“Surveys show that men in France spend most of their already short 35-hour work weeks coming up with fake alibis to tell their wives. Now, they are protected by the law and can consider being actually productive at work for the first time”.

He also added that the rather large group of housewives who were seen protesting vociferously outside the French Parliament should have had the good sense to be the mistresses in the first place. “They only have themselves to blame”, he shrugged.

The biggest beneficiary of the new law is expected to be French President Francois Hollande, who was visibly elated  –“This gives me an opportunity to spend less time evading paparazzi by wearing elaborate disguises while visiting my mistress and spend more time running the country. Speaking of which, I hear something about Putin? What did the old rascal do now?”

Somewhat more inexplicable was the vocal support for the law from First Lady Valerie Trierweiler. In an interview to Le Monde, Miss Trerweiler said that she was “completely fine” with Mr.Hollande having multiple affairs or even a threesome with her best friend as long as she could remain the First Lady and keep the private jet.

The reaction from the French media has been uniformly negative so far. The editors at Closer Magazine summed up it well –“We were having so much fun playing hide and seek with the President as he went mistress hopping in his little bike. What are we supposed to do now? Talk about Crimea? Or earthquakes in Mexico?”

Sources reveal that the Cabinet is busy drafting other articles of legislation including one that forbids French troops from surrendering within the first 17 minutes of any military combat and another that explicitly prohibits the discussion of Angela Merkel in any kind of sexual context whatsoever.

“Hang me” if I am guilty claims Modi, before hiring Ajmal Kasab’s lawyer just to be safe

A defiant Narendra Modi today said in an interview that he should be hanged if he was found guilty in his handling of the 2002 Gujrat riots, before hiring Ajmal Kasab’s lawyer to play it safe.

Justifying his decision, Modi explained, “If this lawyer can keep a terrorist like Ajmal Kasab from being hung for almost 5 years given what he did brazenly in front of so many eye-witnesses, I am confident he can keep me alive till I am at least 150”.

His lawyer agreed, bragging “Mr.Modi is being very conservative. Its already been 12 years since Gujrat. And with the SIT report that has cleared him, I think I can I can keep him alive far longer than most Biblical characters”.

The lawyer also confirmed that he is extremely busy at the moment trying to keep his current client Yuvraj Singh from being hung for costing India the T20 World Cup.

Modi, who initially demanded that he be executed if there was even “an iota of evidence” found against him, quickly moved to revise it to “overwhelming evidence” after a member of his staff explained the meaning of the word iota to him.

Congress President Sonia Gandhi was understandably quick to jump on the opportunity to get rid of  her arch-rival. “If not for the 2002 riots, any sane person will agree that Modi deserves to be publicly hung just for his puppy analogy” she argued, before adding “And lets put a topi on him while we are doing it”.

Rahul Gandhi was not available for comment as he was busy investigating if Barista franchises across the country were indeed operating on the basis of a “coffee model”.

Indian Supreme Court recognizes Transgenders as ‘Third Gender’, continues to treat Gays as ‘Second Class’

The Indian Supreme Court today passed a landmark judgment that upheld the rights of transgenders by legally recognizing them as a “third gender” whilst doggedly persisting in treating homosexuals as “second class” citizens and criminals.

Citing the Constitution, the judges stated that discrimination against transgender individuals for being born that way was a human rights violation. In a stunning demonstration of cognitive dissonance, the Court then refused to apply the same logic to the gay and lesbian community and strike down Section 377, which leaves lingering questions about the Court’s overall sanity.

As per the ruling, transgenders in India now enjoy the same rights and privileges as their fellow citizens when it comes to jobs, voting, education, or hanging from the roofs and windows of public transport vehicles during peak hours.

Recognizing the controversy it is likely to create, Justice KS Radhakrishnan was quick to defend the Court’s decision: “Over the years, the Supreme Court has steadfastly defended the rights of religious fundamentalists who form the majority in this country to cling to their reactionary attitudes towards modern cultural progress. This ruling, which has the unfortunate potential to restore your faith in humanity and the justice system a little bit, should be strictly seen as an exception to the rule”.

“I would strongly urge other minorities including gays, lesbians, bisexuals and Muslims to not get carried away in the hope of a better tomorrow”, he warned.

Justice AK Sikhri also weighed in, assuring reporters at the Court, “We earnestly implore the citizenry to regard this decision as nothing more than an isolated act of conscience. We intend to revert to business as usual from tomorrow by re-instating N. Srinivasan as BCCI President with immediate effect”.

Study: Indian Electorate Virtually Indistinguishable from Commenters on Youtube Video ‘Gangnam Style’

The 850 million Indian voters participating in the current national elections are more or less indistinguishable from commenters on the viral video ‘Gangnam Style’, according to a new study that points to the remarkably similar psychological attributes of both sets of groups.

An in-depth analysis by researchers identified multiple common traits that dominate both populations – including rampant racism, homophobia, reactionary tendencies, distinct lack of information and attention spans – which flourish under the cover of anonymity, said Barath Shankar, one of the authors of the study.

“Think of it as a grand social experiment where the millions of people who left random, incoherent and often incomprehensible comments under the Youtube video are allowed to decide the outcome of the world’s largest democracy. What could possibly go wrong?” mused Barath Shankar, tongue in cheek.

The study convincingly proves that the average Indian voter, much like his Youtube counterpart, has very limited knowledge about world affairs or politics and tends to overvalue information that supports his pre-existing opinions while ignoring data that goes the other way. The endorsement of celebrities and movie stars (especially Rajnikanth) assumes disproportionate importance in this context.

‘Large segments of the population get their information right before elections from political ads and are therefore highly susceptible to misleading propaganda’ wrote NRI Praveen Chandrasekar on his blog. Praveen belongs to a subset of the hugely influential Indian population that contributes to over 4% of the country’s GDP through foreign remittances but is typically accused of arm-chair criticism by his fellow Indians on Facebook for not participating in the (largely meaningless) act of voting.

‘Indian elections are dominated by low information voters who tend to vote against their own interests, and occasionally those of their milkman’, argued Praveen. ‘I’d rather spend my time more meaningfully by watching over a dozen Youtube reviews of the latest Android smartphones before deciding to get an iPhone anyway’, he concluded.

Journalists Allowed to make up fun stories about North Korea in lieu of Salaries

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Given that the news media is struggling with lower ad revenues and the disruption of traditional business models, journalists are now being offered a chance to write entirely made up but amazing sounding stories about North Korea if their newspaper can’t afford to pay them salaries.

Lets look at the evidence.

In recent times, there have been several sensational reports about the dictatorial regime that were later thoroughly debunked. While the one about North Korea sending a man to the sun was rather creative, everybody’s favourite was the one where Kim Jong Un fed his traitorous uncle to a pack of ravenous dogs.

Till now, that is. There is a new report out claiming that all men in North Korea are henceforth required to sport Kim Jong Un’s haircut. BOOM!

Leaping to the defence of journalists everywhere, John Roberts of the New York Times said -‘Listen. We are suffering here. Press freedoms are being eviscerated across the globe, aspiring reporters are working as unpaid interns, narcissistic egomaniacs like Rupert Murdoch and Jeff Bezos are buying us out for pennies. The North Korea stories are the only bright spots in our lives. Please don’t take it away from us’.

‘I always wanted to be a journalist so that I could be an agent of change in the world and improve people’s lives in a meaningful way’ said another reporter. ‘But being a billionaire’s play toy and cooking up Kim Jong Un fantasies isn’t too shabby either.’

Every male having Kim Jong Un’s haircut – known as the ‘Chinese smuggler hairstyle’ – sounds pretty bad. On the upside, no one in North Korea has to ever see ‘The Trump’ or ‘The Bieber’.

A spokesman for the BBC revealed they had hyped up this fake story to see if CNN would break its relentless Malaysian plane coverage for at least 10 seconds. Sadly, it was not to be. ‘We have to hand it to CNN. They just couldn’t be distracted’ he said, admiringly.

Reacting to the story, Supreme Leader of North Korea Kim Jong Un told reporters -‘It is true. I want everyone to get my haircut. Also, go read Vettiguy’s blog and tell all your friends about it. This is my command’.

Fans Left in Tears as Pharrell Williams is Caught on Tape Buying Bottle of Prozac

Happy

Shock waves were sent across the world yesterday as TMZ released secretly recorded footage of ‘Happy’ singer/rapper Pharrell Williams buying a rather large bottle of anti-depressants at a drug store in Los Angeles.

After being confronted by the TMZ reporter on the spot, a nervous Pharrell Williams broke down and proceeded to pour his heart out. A partial transcript of the video –

Pharrell Williams – “…..so yeah, I’ve always been sad, bro. You know why? Coz I used to be poor. Did ya’ll know that? I was homeless. Am guessing none of you ever lived in a room without a roof. Heard of this thing called rain? Happy-like-a-room-without-a-roof my ass. You always need the roof, yo. I was just messing with ya’ll.

[At this point, Mr. Pharrell Williams stops to pop of a couple of Prozacs and then continues]

Did you know there are over 800 versions of the song? You know what’s worse? I must have seen at least 700 of them. Can you imagine that? And now, I have to work with the dopes at the UN because the damn song made me famous? Can you blame me for being depressed, bro?”

As the clip went viral on YouTube, fans of the singer were left sobbing inconsolably and wondering if they had ever really been happy or merely fallen victims to the power of suggestion and/or a self-fulfilling prophecy. ‘I did hear the word happy about 237 times in a 4 minute song’, said a teenager in his own defense, rather reasonably.

An op-ed in the New York Times today by Thomas Friedman delves deeper into the mind of the troubled singer and our collective complicity in pushing him to the edge. An excerpt –
It is now beyond dispute that Pharrell Williams was attempting to subtly satirize society’s seemingly simplistic conceptions of happiness and well-being. And what happened? We all took it literally. Its evident that the song has been spectacularly misinterpreted in tone, especially by the millennial generation, who have unwittingly appropriated his biting social commentary on modern man’s psychological naiveté for reprehensible ends like sharing it on Facebook to get more ‘likes’. The song does start with the line – ‘I’m about to say something crazy’. On hindsight, that should have tipped us off.

Donald Trump had the final word with this tweet – ‘Who else is lying to us? Maybe someone should go check if Adele has found someone else just like her ex-boyfriend or not. It’s been over 3 years. We need answers NOW’.

Over 7 Million Americans sign up for Obamacare believing it to be a Groupon Deal

In a rather amazing turn of events, a drunken intern posting Obamacare as a Groupon deal by mistake resulted in a massive surge in sign-ups and the Affordable Care Act meeting its target of 7 million people by March 31.

The intern did make some rather tantalizing offers – ‘Up to 76% off your impending Alzheimer’s diagnosis, 100% off your next Chemo session’ – which were snapped up by eager Americans looking for a bargain.

Political insiders admitted to being utterly confounded that after hundreds of speeches, millions of dollars in marketing and over 2,000 pages of legislation, all it took was an alcohol-induced blunder. ‘If this doesn’t validate Charlie Sheen’s approach to life, I don’t know what does’ conceded a visibly shaken White House adviser David Axelrod. Rubbing more salt into the wounds, the intern loudly speculated that he could have got the same number of sign-ups with ‘a Kickstarter campaign from my garage’.

When he heard about it, an incredulous President Obama raged -‘Wait, so we dint need that damn website after all?!’

Dept. of Health Secretary Kathleen Sebelius was equally at a loss for words. ‘I find it quite amazing……..that I still have my job. I really do,’ she confessed to reporters, who nodded in agreement. She also later admitted to signing up for the Alzheimer’s deal.

The administration is understood to be working on further “out of the box” ideas to get even more people to sign up for health insurance. One of which is to insert the contract into the iTunes end-user agreement when iOS8 is launched.

No GOP representatives were available for comment as they were busy on Capitol Hill trying to repeal Obamacare for the 374th time.

Manchester United Fire David Moyes and Appoint Bronze Statue of Sir Alex Ferguson as New Manager

Fergie

Following a dismal season that has seen Manchester United languishing in the middle of the Premier League table, the Board of Directors have fired head coach David Moyes with immediate effect and replaced him with the newly unveiled statue of Sir Alex Ferguson at Old Trafford.

The club confirmed that the Statue, which was installed outside the stadium in Nov 2012, has been appropriately offered a 26-year contract. A short statement on the club’s official website said -‘Since David Moyes was signed on a 6-year deal despite his total lack of a winning mentality or experience in handling big clubs, we felt compelled to give the Statue an even longer contract’.

Encouragingly, Sir Alex Ferguson has extended his support for the Statue -‘I like that he is of Scottish origin. As you all know, that is pretty much the only quality I look for in a United manager’. The departing manager Moyes was suitably dejected. ‘I understand that the Board and the fans are cross with me. And you certainly don’t cross Sir Alex or his Statue at this club. I guess I’ll be OK. It’s just another cross I have to bear’ he said, confirming his ill-advised love for crosses yet again.

An online poll of United fans following this shock move showed that an overwhelming majority (75%) fully backed the Fergie Statue as the new gaffer. Other top picks were Jose Mourinho (8%), Pep Guardiola (7%), Fergie’s racehorse (4%) and Toronto’s crack-mayor Rob Ford (3%). Incredibly, 2% of the fans still backed David Moyes, although this group comprised solely of 85-year old season-ticket holders who are under the impression the season is yet to start.

Speaking for the dressing room, a visibly excited Wayne Rooney said that the new manager was “someone who was firmly grounded, with a solid head on his shoulders and a spine of steel”, not realizing he had also perfectly described the structural composition of the Statue through his annoying sports clichés.

An FA spokesperson said that referees are delighted at the prospect of finally being able to officiate in matches where Fergie will have his mouth firmly shut at the touchline. In return, the refs promised to resume their long-standing policy of adding generous injury time at the end of United games, a critical contributor to many of the Red Devils’ title-winning campaigns.

Along expected lines, celebrity Gunners fan Piers Morgan sent out a regretful tweet: “Another glorious chance squandered to sign a real winner to manage Arsenal. #WengerOut”

Putin Still Undecided If He Cares Less about G8 Expulsion OR the Kardashian Vogue Cover

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Official sources in the Kremlin have revealed that Russian President Vladimir Putin couldn’t care less about being ejected from the coalition of the G8 nations as a response to his annexation of Crimea. Speaking to reporters, Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov said – ‘Mr.Putin is in the process of figuring out a series of complicated next steps. Should he invade and capture the whole of Ukraine? Or should he first take over other fringe countries like Estonia and Latvia? Where should he be staging the next mock referendum? Amidst all this, Mr.Putin was in a good place mentally about how much of a rats ass he gave about the sanctions put in place so far’.

In that context, the Kardashian Vogue controversy couldn’t have come at a worse time for him. Anna Wintour’s decision, as the editor of Vogue, to put Kim Kardashian on the cover has outraged the upper echelons of NYC’s latte-sipping bicycle-riding fashion magazine subscribers and set twitter alight over the weekend. ‘Now that the ridiculous Vogue story has been brought to his attention, Mr.Putin has to weigh it against the G8 expulsion to figure out which one he could give less of a f**k about’ explained Sergey Lavrov. ‘This has not been easy’.

As someone who has also been in the news recently due to an unauthorized invasion into foreign territory, French President Hollande was sympathetic to Putin – ‘Even as we slap more meaningless sanctions on Vlad, I understand the tricky situation he is in. A few months ago, I dint know if I cared less about my marriage or my commitment to honorably serving the French people as I went about banging that cute actress’.

CNN’s Wolf Blitzer confessed that he could relate to Putin’s dilemma as well -‘Once we made the editorial decision as a media outlet to exclusively cover the missing Malaysian plane on a borderline obsessive level, it was rather difficult to decide what other critical stories we dint give a damn about. Was it Crimea? Or the bloody protests in Venezuela? Should it be the continuing horror in Syria? We had so many options to pick from’.

‘Let’s just hope the Oscar Pistorius trial result isn’t announced any time soon’ said a worried looking Lavrov as he signed off.

Christian Couple Log Off the Internet for Weeks to Avoid ‘Noah’ Spoilers

(Hat-tip: The Onion for all the laughs over the years)

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Mark and Angela Shepherd, a devoted Christian couple from Amarillo, Texas have reportedly cut themselves off all forms of media and contact with human beings for the last 2 months to avoid spoilers for the upcoming Hollywood blockbuster ‘Noah’.

Claiming they are “slow readers”, the couple is still working their way through the first few chapters of the Book of Genesis, where God has just expelled Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden. Angela gushed -‘This is a really exciting development. We can’t wait to see where the story goes from here’. Mark added -‘Admittedly, we’re still at the part where Eve is talking to snakes in the garden and God has taken roughly 48 hours to cobble together the entirety of the known Universe. We are praying the movie stays firmly grounded in that kind of reality based narrative and is not some silly Hollywood fantasy.’

‘Noah’ is, of course, an adaptation of the beloved children’s fairy tale classic, ‘The Bible’, which has proven to be surprisingly popular among adults (much like the Harry Potter series). From the outset, the movie has been embroiled in controversy over creative liberties and deviations from the original text. For instance, the movie shows Noah gathering more than a handful of chicken and a dozen cows into the ship. Director Darren Aronofsky justified it arguing -‘We just figured Noah was on a longish trip and would want to have a nice dinner every now and then.’ He also deflected criticism over Russell Crowe portraying the 900-year Noah from the Bible as a ruggedly handsome 35-year old. ‘Go to talk his publicist. He’s the one to blame for that’ – Aronofsky fumed. Another notable oddity was God’s instruction for Noah to build a ship strong enough to conduct search operations in the notoriously rough seas of the remote Southern Indian Ocean. “You’ll know what I mean some day”, God says mysteriously in the voice over.

Murmurs from the Vatican indicated the Pope was not too impressed with the movie and had dismissed it as being ‘not as good as the book’. However, the Pontiff ultimately granted his blessings after Russell Crowe agreed to take a selfie with him.

When asked about their expectations from the rest of the Bible, Mark confessed -‘I can’t wait for the dinosaurs to make an appearance, to be honest’. Angela had other concerns. ‘We are finding the Old Testament quite complex so far’ she lamented with a sigh. ‘If only God had given us a short bullet-point list of instructions to live our lives by. Something incredibly simplistic and easy for impressionable kids to memorize. That would have been a blessing’.