Headlines : 10th December, 2008

I made a very interesting bid on eBay today. And if things go according to plan, I’ll be a US Senator by tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

Breaking news. Governor Rod R. Blagojevich of Illinois was arrested today by federal authorities for attempting to sell Obama’s seat in the Senate to the highest bidder. The really troubling part – the best bid was from the CEO of AIG.

Blagojevich was demanding hundreds of thousands of dollars for the spot. On the plus side, real estate prices are on the way up again. Even if its just in the Senate.

Prior to his arrest, the Governor was reportedly on a “crime spree” that involved bribery, blackmail and money laundering on a massive scale. Even Wall Street Investment Bankers were going ‘That’s just wrong, dude!’.

Obama has immediately moved to distance himself as much as possible from the Governor. He claims he barely knew Blagojevich and only had a bare minimum working relationship with the Governor. Kinda like John McCain and Sarah Palin.

Moving on. In these troubled times, Churches are reporting that attendance is up again. Americans are coming back in huge numbers for mass. Americans working for General Motors, to be specific.

Their prayers worked. Congress will be distributing around $15 billion through a “Car Czar”, who will be appointed shortly. He will be an expert on the auto industry and make meaningful recommendations on how to restructure the automakers and return them to profitability. In short, someone from Toyota.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi has likened the Congress to a barbershop since everyone in trouble seems to be getting a “haircut” there. Let’s dissect the metaphor further. The auto industry had a close shave with bankruptcy, the three CEOs are a bunch of cut-throats and the Republicans and Democrats are splitting hairs over the bail-out bill. Maybe she has a point.

Back home, Manmohan Singh is frantically looking for a full-time Finance Minister to replace P.Chidambaram. He confirmed that the Congress would be selling the seat to the highest bidder for the vacant position.

Meanwhile, murmurs of dissent are growing within the BJP against the failed campaign in the recent LS polls, where terrorism and rising prices were the key focus points. A spokesman assured the party faithful that, going forward, the NDA would instead focus on name-calling and infighting, which seemed to work brilliantly for the Congress.

I need your help with this. Try ranking the following on how utterly futile and irrelevant they are with respect to the ongoing investigation of the Mumbai attacks.

1) Manmohan spending valuable time discussing the security situation with Pratibha Patil.
2) Anyone discussing anything with Pratibha Patil.
3) Going to the UN for assistance.
4) Spending 6 hours interrogating a bearded man from London, who works at an old age home, just because his name happens to be Dawood Ibrahim.